When people talk about stuff that they “can NOT believe,” I believe that they are actually thinking about pretty normal stuff. For instance, I have overheard people say things like “I cannot believe that the (insert your sports team of preference here) lost that game!” Conversations often veer in the direction of the imagination, as in “I can’t imagine how those two got together.”
But we can imagine how those two got together. It’s easy. She probably has big boobs, and he probably had an entry level job with a six figure salary. Come on. The imagination is a very powerful thing. I think the imagination is kind of like the universe—dark, deep, and infinite. So when people say they can’t imagine something, they are obviously just not trying very hard.
In the interests of challenging my readers to expand their mental acuity while staving off that slow decline into the morass of old age with its specter of Alzheimer’s, I have personally composed a list of subjects that ARE virtually unimaginable. By imagining the things on my list, one can be assured of firing all those neurons and getting the gray matter to really sit up and take notice. If you can imagine these things, you are a mental gymnast, indeed! To proceed:
THINGS THAT ARE VIRTUALLY IMPOSSIBLE FOR THE AVERAGE PERSON TO IMAGINE
- Mr. and Mrs. Fred Rogers having sex. With or without the cardigan and sneakers.
- Your parents having sex.
- What gynecologists do for fun.
- What goes through the minds of those people dressed in Uncle Sam suits, who beckon us from the highway to rent an apartment.
- What goes through the minds of all the fans of the Kardashians.
- That Nazis were extremely fond of their pets, and treated them with extreme kindness.
- That one day, every one of us will say something like “Is there applesauce on the menu?”
- Your children having sex.
- Dr. Ruth Westheimer having sex.
- Nancy Grace having lunch with a girlfriend.
- Oprah Winfrey picking her nose.
- Queen Elizabeth wearing flip flops.
Scientists, or doctors, or some game show host said that we only use a small portion of our brains. I think the figure was ten percent. By imagining number one on the above list, your brain will zoom into high gear, grab at any dirty book or X rated movie you have ever seen, reject those images, move on to last Sunday in church, and then develop some throbbing near the frontal lobe. Don’t worry. That is just your brain reacting the same way you did on the first day of Zumba class. Keep trying. The imagination is limitless, remember. And in the case that you are successful accomplishing number one, and you move on to number two, you indeed have a fit and magnificent imagination, and I salute you. But please don’t share your answers in the comment section.