Pandemic. What do we do with our time? We watch television.
With all of this viewing, I have been unsettled. No, annoyed at the portrayal of life on tv. We don’t live the way people on tv do, and I simply don’t understand why the television and movie people think that we operate the way they do in their shows.
I have, of course, compiled a list of things that real life people actually do:
- When we sit down to eat a meal, and someone says a distressing thing, we never lose our appetites.
- As a matter of fact, when we sit around the table and converse, we manage to eat as well. Tv characters never do this; their food gets cold, they never pick up a fork.
- I don’t know about you, but I don’t have any cut glass decanters of whiskey with matching glasses on a silver tray.
- Speaking of liquor, I also don’t have a bar cart in my living room.
- I don’t artfully lay my robe (I don’t even have a robe) across the bottom of the bed at night so that I can put it on the moment I arise.
- When I make dinner, it consists of more than chopping red peppers.
- When I come into the house, I close the door. For some reason, people in shows forget to do that.
- When I take a pill, I wash it down with some water. Who takes pills straight up?
- I look a hundred times worse when I get up than I did when I went to bed the night before. Onscreen women never have bed head.
- When I am driving with a passenger, I am unable to look at that passenger full in the face for longer than a split second. Because cars crash into other cars if you aren’t paying attention.
- I am not stupid. I would never voluntarily walk home from a bar all alone, choosing the darkest alley as a short cut.
- I have an electric toothbrush. Nobody on tv or in films seems to know these exist.
- Be honest. How many of you can stand it if your spouse wants to go to sleep while spooning? Don’t touch me; I am trying to go to sleep, damn it!
- I do not know my husband’s phone password. And I would not be able to figure it out in less than five seconds, the way the wives do on tv. I am sure it isn’t my birthday, for God’s sake.
- I have never seen a hot guy in the produce section.
- I have never had a dressing table.
- After an argument with my husband, it would never occur to me to got out for a jog.
And if a crime were committed, and a detective interviewed me, I would have no idea what I was doing at noon last October 12th.