Since we all know now that the NSA and God knows who else is privy to just about everything about us, I thought I ought to check to see just what kind of tracks I am leaving all over the internet. So the logical thing to do was to check my Google search history. Because I had no idea just how revealing my search history is. As it turns out, my search history is probably a better way for me to bare my soul than trying to write a gut wrenching essay. I wonder what the NSA might conclude about me. So exactly who am I, according to Google Search? Here are some of my entries:

Is Prince Gay?  I may be the only one in the universe who doesn’t know the answer to this one. But wait—no, I am NOT. He won’t reveal his true sexual identity. So this makes me one of many who wonder. But maybe one of only a few who took the time to Google it.

How many calories in a slice of pizza? Pitiful, really. Because despite the answer of “200,” I went ahead and had three slices.

Shakespeare Sonnet 116: It turns out that this is the one that was quoted in our wedding ceremony. I was shocked at how popular this one is. I was Googling fast to answer a Jeopardy question. The question on Jeopardy was “which Shakespeare sonnet is the most used for wedding ceremonies?” So geez, I am so average.

Kate Middleton bare ass photo: The NSA will be shocked that virtually every American has Googled this. Again, no real insights here. Move along, NSA.

What is a meme? And I call myself an internet savvy person!

How many calories in a cup of watermelon?  Hope springs eternal.

What is the definition of “abroad?” I thought it meant you had to cross an ocean. WRONG. And I call myself a writer!

Do all birds sing? It’s mostly the males. Isn’t this always the way? They get the good feathers, too.

What are the lyrics to Blinded by the Light? Because apparently, I am NOT the only one that thinks he is saying “wrapped up like a douche.”

How many calories in cottage cheese?  Back on the wagon. The NSA knows it is dealing with a woman with body image issues. They better tread carefully.

Who is Slender Man?  I wondered about who this skinny person was—a skinny evil guy? I was completely baffled by this whole thing. The NSA needs to get on this one—children are attempting murder, for God’s sake.

What does YOLO mean? Wow. I am really out of it. I am only familiar with LOL and FYI. I am most definitely NOT with it. Which means I won’t be doing any twerking, either.

What is bitcoin? Well, that depends. If you are an average American, it means absolutely nothing. But if you are a shady internet business man, apparently you do. It is “open source software.” See, it means nothing. But somehow, somewhere, you might be able to buy something using it? Or not? The NSA knows I am not a hipster.

What is “Molly?” Can you blame me? It’s a terrible drug. I would like to protest. A drug called “Molly” should not be something you buy on the street to get high, overdose, and perhaps die. It should be a pill you get at the drugstore when you feel just a little fluish, and you need something soothing. A “Molly” should be a drug they sell in health food stores, for Pete’s sake. I certainly hope nobody monitoring my every move thinks I have anything to do with this stuff. I wonder if I should change my name, just to be on the safe side.

Accordion repair in Ohio: This one will make the snoops laugh out loud! “Hey, Frank, look at this—she’s no terrorist! She must be at least eighty years old! Either that, or she is somehow related to the Welk family…”

Just be aware, people. You might want to check your search history. There could be some pretty incriminating stuff in there.

But if you want to know what the whole world searched for in 2013, Google “Google Zeitgeist,” and you will see a very nice video. Which was probably put together by the staff of the NSA. But it is still enjoyable. Kind of like those individual Facebook movies. Also put together by the NSA in cooperation with Mark Zuckerberg.

I am now a little paranoid about my searches. I want them to be indicative of me as an intellectual, a non-terrorist, totally innocuous to the NSA, and yet a fascinating person who is enviable in her scope and inquisitiveness. So I am now going to start Google searching for famous existentialist feminist poets, endangered species, recipes for blanc mange, Nobel Prize winners, and instructions for making Origami birds. Peace and love, baby.




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