THE HO AND HUM

I had a big plan today: I was going to throw on some work clothes and open the doors to the screened porch wide. Then I was going to race downstairs, get buckets, the mop, the broom, and wash it all up out there.

After that, I planned to first, arrange the rug; and second,  drag around the porch furniture until everything looked just like Martha Stewart’s screened porch. I would happily sort through my accessories, deciding whether to put out the little frog or the fake jade plant on the side table. I would dust off the lampshades, set out the new pillows I got the other day at Pier One, and finally heave a sigh of contentment.

But it’s a bad hair day. There are a few grains of cat litter between the sheets when I go to make the bed. I burned my toast. I am getting a cold.

Instead, here is what I did:

• I stayed in bed longer than usual (eating the burned toast and not noticing the cat litter as yet) and listened to a podcast about a woman who was murdered, but they never found her body in the Australian outback. This podcast never features a case that is actually solved, but I like the voice of the narrator, who is called “anonymous,” and has a very sexy accent.
• I got dressed in the same clothes I had on yesterday.
• I put all of my bed socks in the hamper, figuring that I won’t need them again until November.
• I rooted around in the medicine cabinet until I found the nasal spray. Used it.
• While flossing, brushing, and taking what my mother called a “sponge bath,” I listened to another podcast about a man who is 22 years older than his wife and has had multiple heart attacks. That was so depressing that although I had just made the bed, I had to lie down on it for a few minutes to recover.
• I petted my cats for fifteen minutes. This is good for them.
• Got up.
• I looked through the French doors onto the porch and noticed how filthy everything was out there. At least a half-inch of winter dirt and dust. I had a sinking feeling.
• So I lay (I looked this up, it is “lay, not laid”) down on the bed again to restore myself.
• I had a second cup of coffee  at the kitchen table while reading about Donald Trump’s first 100 days. This was not good for my general disposition. I headed upstairs, but stopped myself from going into the bedroom to rest, because my husband was watching,
• So I went back down and filled the bird feeders. This was exhausting.
• I emptied the cat litter boxes and put in new litter. At least when the cats track it into the bed, it would  be clean litter.
• I looked at my emails. Then I switched over to my podcast app and deleted a bunch of podcasts about unsolved murders.
• I wandered around the house, making a mental list of chores to do when I have more get up and go.

Now I am bored.