I am not a big fan of reality television, but I am fascinated with “Survivor.” I just love the intrigue, the backstabbing, and the immunity idols. I am intrigued with the locales, and I am in awe of the staying power of the contestants. I could not be one of them. I am so far removed from the food chain, I wouldn’t last until lunchtime on the first day. Which brings me to the whole issue of things like food. And bathrooms. 

First of all, there is never any food there. I watch the starving participants scrounging around for the odd clam or bit of insect protein, and I see them climbing the trees for coconuts. They all get skinny very fast. But I know they are being filmed by a crew of videographers who probably have pastrami sandwiches for lunch. How does that work? Have any of the crew ever been killed or injured by starving contestants? 

I am sure that the Survivors don’t have Porta Potties or anything. The show never mentions the rest rooms. Do they have to dig holes in the sand to go in? Do they let them have toilet tissue, or do the Survivors use large leaves? Do they get constipated? I know they don’t take baths—they just jump in the ocean. I am assuming there are no razors or deodorant. Once again, I bet there is a lot of resentment for Jeff Propst and the clean shaven and fragrant crew. 

I worry about plaque. My dentist says that people who don’t floss have much higher rates of heart disease. So does Jeff P let the contestants have dental floss, at least? I have seen them picking their teeth on camera with little twigs. Oh, gosh—I hope that none of them get gingivitis while on the island! 

I don’t sleep that well. I put Tempur Pedic on my Christmas list every year. So how do those people sleep at the two camps? It looks like they have platforms made out of bamboo poles and palm fronds. Good grief, I would think they would all get out of alignment and need chiropractic, just to get through the immunity challenges. And I can’t even imagine how cold it must get out there, with nothing but “buffs” to keep you warm. 

I have watched the show since the very first season, when that guy who won the million walked around naked and later went on to evade paying taxes. I love the femme fatales and the smooth talking salesmen. I cheer during the challenges. And despite the alliances and the politics,  I am always amazed at who wins. 

I would never be chosen to compete. I am too old, too fussy, and not mentally strong enough. But if I magically became a “survivor,” they would just HAVE to let me bring my clinical strength Mitchum’s, a roll of Charmin, and at least some decent toothpicks…

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