TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:
As you all know, certain radical Republicans who like tea have managed to cause the American government to shut down. This is certainly very tough for everyone. As a result, stuff has stopped happening all over this great country of ours.
I am taking this opportunity to advise you that in respect and support for all of those government workers who no longer have paychecks and suddenly have to figure out ways to cut back on just about everything, there has been a shutdown here at the house. Effective immediately:
- Electricity is expensive. So we will now use candles to light the rooms at night. This will make us all look very gauzy and young, and we can sit down and use quill pens to write letters to one another in the candlelight, because
- There will be an immediate halt to all electronic socializing. Our ability to write complete sentences (whr r u?) has suffered immensely since the advent of iEverything. So from now on, we will live like the Austens.
- I have gotten out the old Bissell carpet sweeper. It doesn’t do that good a job. So, for heaven’s sake, PICK UP ALL THE PEANUTS YOU DROP.
- There will be leftovers. Remember, there are families all over the U.S. who would give their eye teeth for some. So no complaining about creamed tuna.
- TV time will also be limited. The electric bill, silly! So we will be watching only shows that reinforce our new lifestyle. Like CALL THE MIDWIFE. Thank God I am no longer able to procreate.
- Thermostat will have to go down. Sheesh, I hate this one. But some people find wearing coats 24/7 to be cozy. And we all know that your body burns more calories trying desperately to keep warm. Thus, we will be cold but very svelte.
- I am not ready to do laundry in the bathtub, but all laundry loads must be done with cold water. And let’s fill those tubs! No more vanity small loads, just because you want to wear that new shirt twice in one week. Just use your napkin! And take smaller bites, for heaven’s sake!
- Speaking of that new shirt? Take care of it. We won’t be going to Nordstrom’s any time again soon.
- Vacation? Well, yes. I have those old Rick Steves CD’s. We can watch a marathon of his budget vacation shows and pretend we are with him. And if that isn’t enough, we can set up a tent in the back yard. I thought so.
10. Finally, we must keep our chins up and our upper lips stiff. And if we happen to run into one of those elected representatives who voted to shut us down, it is perfectly acceptable to flip a bird in their direction. Or if you must, use the “F” word. Or both. Yes, both.