There is a groundhog living in luxury under my deck. I bet he has a little disco ball, a great sound system, a huge wet bar, and mossy wall-to-wall carpeting down there. I bet he throws great parties at night for all the neighborhood raccoons, possums, and assorted squirrels. I am sure they have a great time, too, because that groundhog serves up great party food.

This consists of all the delicious nubbins that the groundhog harvests right under our noses from the planters arrayed on the deck. These are full of an array of delectables including sweet potato vine, coleus, vinca vine, geraniums, and impatiens. We put all of this in before the groundhog made his tenancy in the condo under the deck apparent to us.

I discovered him one day as I looked out my window, and saw him munching on the begonias in my largest planter. He looked adorable. Like somebody right out of Beatrix Potter. All he needed was a little blue waistcoat.

I Googled, and I was horrified to discover that groundhogs will eat up an entire garden very quickly. Suddenly, I was in Farmer MacGregor mode. How could I get rid of this guy? I read on. The experts advised that trapping is futile, as groundhogs evade traps with great aplomb. Their advice was to shoot the groundhog.

Shoot? You mean with a gun? Murder the little face with the black nose and button eyes? Here in suburbia, where I am sure if my husband went out on the deck with a firearm he would accidentally maim one of the preschoolers next door? Not an option. After my heart stopped pounding, I Googled “plants that groundhogs don’t like eating.”

The results were heartening, as there are indeed many plants that groundhogs don’t like. So now my planters are full of radishes and rosemary.

Although they aren’t that attractive, they will remain intact for the summer, according to the pundits.

I am inviting the pundits over for dinner. We are having radish sandwiches garnished with rosemary.

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