I came across an article in my news feed that wasn’t about the coronavirus. It was about fading trends in home decor, and I felt obligated to share these things with you so you can rush right out and hire a contractor to change everything in your house, or at least, get a decorator on the line, FAST. Because you risk becoming one of those people who lives in a house that is, as they so often say on HGTV, “dated.”

I can write this with a very clear conscience, because I recently moved into a brand new apartment, where everything is current. This will last for about what? five years? at which point we may have to move to a more updated place. Nevertheless, here is a listicle of things you mustn’t have any more, if you wish to be de rigueur.

  1. Get rid of those granite countertops. The fact that absolutely EVERYBODY on House Hunters required them two years ago is no longer the rule. You must now have quartz, concrete, or some sort of composite of minerals that look nothing like stone. If you notice, all the countertops in public restrooms are granite. Enough said.
  2. Stainless steel. Ok, most of us have it, but apparently, it is on the cusp of being really unpopular. I am not sure what we are supposed to get to replace these refrigerators and stoves. White, maybe? Retro 1950’s? Maybe colors. Or black.
  3. Oh, my God. If you have wood paneling, get it out of there! I am going to go out on a limb, here, and say that shiplap is on its way to becoming passe as well. A pox on Joanna Gaines!
  4. Do not, under any circumstances, get curtains that match your bed covering. This immediately labels you as elderly.
  5. Wallpaper is coming back. However, if it looks like a lot of flowers, you are making a bad choice. Note: I had wallpaper in my front hall that was straight out of the 1950’s for the 27 years that I lived there. I had to get rid of it to sell the house. Millennials hate wallpaper that reminds them of their grandmas. I am a proud grandma. Sidebar: I have ordered some wallpaper already for my apartment. It has no flowers, though.
  6. Terrazzo. Who in God’s name besides shopping malls ever liked terrazzo? Ok, maybe people in Rome. But come ON. It is so awful.
  7. I hate to report this, but get rid of all of those throw pillows.
  8. Subway tile. Too ubiquitous. Go with something else. Or call it a “classic.”
  9. If you have a sink sitting on top of your bathroom counter, it is a fading trend. I always sort of wanted one of those, but I am relieved that I didn’t fall for it. The word is undermount, baby!
  10. Valances. Get rid of them. Especially those puffy ones that look like scallop shells. I have to admit, I love those. But I am a grandma, and you know how grandmas are. However, I have never liked doilies. Come ON.
  11. Tuscan kitchens are out. Except in Tuscany.
  12. Chandeliers are still in. I cannot understand why. People are putting them in every single room. That is sheer overkill. I think a chandelier in the dining room is over the top. Of course, no one HAS dining rooms any more, because open concept. So I guess then you have to put your chandelier somewhere, and why not in the bathroom? Or hanging from a tree out in the back yard?

I could go on and on, but I don’t want to depress you, You are probably depressed as hell right now, anyway, due to the hand sanitizer shortage. Oh, one more thing: wabi sabi is IN. I have no idea what that is.

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