During the pandemic, I grew my hair out. The above is sort of what I look like now.

However, also during the pandemic, I have had, just like all of you, an enormous amount of time to think about myself. I spend sleepless nights blaming myself for all of the stupid things I have ever done, because why not? Insomnia brings on all sorts of negativity.

For instance, I got the date wrong for a dinner, and my husband and I showed up only to find our hosts in what I will euphemistically call “leisure wear.” They were entirely gracious and ordered a pizza, and the evening was fine, but I wouldn’t call it smooth. Luckily, we were all wearing masks, so I couldn’t really see the expressions on our hosts’ faces, which was a very good thing.

I have lost my temper at many occasions during the past year, and once I hung up on the woman at the other end of the line at the doctor’s office. She called me right back, saying “I think we got disconnected,” to which I replied, “No, I hung up on you because you wouldn’t let me talk to the doctor.” He was probably with a patient at that time, but my eczema was really itchy at that moment, and I became temporarily furious. I am still a patient there, but I try to schedule appointments on days when that woman isn’t working.

I played hooky from some Zoom meetings I should have attended. I faked excuses. But maybe I am not the only one. This gives me a bit of solace. But still…

One time, and this was long before I had grandchildren, I kicked up a fuss on a plane because a woman with a baby had the seat next to me. I mean, I kicked up a fuss. A very nice person changed seats with me, and then I was chagrined because the baby didn’t peep the entire flight. If that woman reads this, I apologize profusely, and now I actually seek out babies on flights (because I want to go to heaven when I die.)

I have been rude to those employees in clothing stores who persist in following customers around asking if they need help. Repeatedly. Now I realize that this is because the average customer shopping for clothes truly has no idea how to put together an outfit. I still have the red pants with black stripes to prove it. I have never worn them. When I put them in the Goodwill bag, I swore to myself that next time I go to Chicos, I will ask for help the second I walk in the door.

I think the thing I most regret is all the times I nagged my husband for things like telling the same joke too many times, or drinking that third glass of wine. Because the other night, we had friends over, and due to the fact that we were so happy to be able to socialize again, I had three glasses of wine myself, and MY GOD THAT JOKE WAS HILARIOUS.

A man walked into a bar…



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