You know those old people you roll your eyes about? The ones who get together to talk about their latest medical news? Lumbago? Surgeries? The state of their bowels? Well, guess what? I AM ONE OF THEM NOW!
Last Friday I had surgery. Well, let me start at the beginning: one day I was fine and dandy, and the next day I found out I had cancer. I guess that is the way it is for everybody: they have a biopsy, but figure everything will be fine. It wasn’t, this time. So before I had time to say “Lady Parts,” all of mine were removed.
I had a robot do the surgery. Very high-tech, and very space-age, don’t you think? It was manned by a young and agile surgeon, whose parents must have noticed his acuity at video games and headed him in the direction of a lucrative career. It is amazing. They put just a few little holes in the abdomen, and PRESTO! Lady parts gone. I won’t go into further detail, but I can say that it feels like a semi truck drove through my nether region. But I can live with that.
Here is what I have learned from the experience: First of all, pay attention to your body. You know those seven “cancer danger signals?” I had one. And I went right to the doctor. Now I am cancer-free. Secondly, the men and women who devote themselves to medical careers? These people are gifts from above. I was treated with respect and dignity by everyone who helped me–from doctors to nurses to nursing assistants. All wonderful and kind people. Thirdly? If you are 63 years old, but the admitting nurse asks you to take a pregnancy test, consider it not a mistake but a testament to your youthful looks and vitality. And fourth, when your husband calls the surgeon and all of the nurses by the wrong names, forgive him. He is trying.
I will return to my regular writing schedule very soon. But right now, I have to watch Dr. Phil, my favorite soap opera, and one hundred game shows. No really, I have to. They told me it is necessary to my recovery…