Deepest and darkest, and I need toast!

Deepest and darkest, and I need toast!

I swirl in the bed, hoping to find a position that will allow me to relax. I need to let go of all of the thoughts roiling around in my head. Book revisions. My editor says none of the characters in my next opus are remotely likeable. This is the truth, but ironic, since the main character is an eight-year-old-girl. What was I thinking when I put down 70,000 plus words? Who ARE these people in this book, and why are they all sort of despicable?

I make some mental notes for changes. But damn, mental notes for me are like shredding up perfectly good ideas and setting them on fire, because I never remember them the next morning. So I sit up, grope in the blackness for my phone, where I can quickly jot down these revision ideas.

Of course, I use my iPhone, which I now have learned has something like LASER LIGHTS in it, so that if you look at the screen after nine pm, it sears your brain awake, and you are rendered sleepless for hours.

Screw the notes. I throw some eyedrops in and stumble downstairs to my computer, where I cut out an entire chapter of said book, and instead insert an endearing scene about making grilled cheese sandwiches with Velveeta. All American. Who wouldn’t love characters who make Velveeta grilled cheese sandwiches? I actually know a person who hates Velveeta, but she must be in a very small American minority, so I feel good about that scene.

I contemplate putting a vampire in the book. You know, another opportunity for a subplot. Then I tell myself that vampires are totally yesterday, and I wonder what is hot at the literary moment. After Googling around, I realize that another hour has passed, and I have most certainly outlasted all the effects of my Lunesta. I am doomed until morning.

But my Google search unearths all sorts of stuff. I Google something like “what topics are currently popular in American Fiction” and I go from dystopia via Stephen King to Star Wars characters made from Legos and I end up in Pinterest with apple crumble recipes and Instagram where dogs dress up as robots and then to people who want to rub it in our faces that they no longer smoke cigarettes. They VAPE. Actually,  sounds kind of fun because the vapor fluids are fruit flavored. So here I am approaching two in the morning, and now I want to make some toast because the fruity vaping blogs are making me hungry. And then, suddenly, I am on Flipboard, reading about adult coloring books.

But damn! This just gives me more to think about. I need a strong story arc, which I am currently lacking. Perhaps one of my characters will get a dog and dress him up as Darth Vader? Maybe there is room for more discussion of desserts? Could I somehow get some of my unlikeable characters to get crayons and mellow out? Maybe they could go to a Mandala workshop?

I need toast, STAT. Hell, another half hour, and  I will need breakfast…

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