For those of you who are regular readers of my blog (and I think there are at least ten of you), you know that I am not to be taken seriously. Occasionally, I am semi-serious. So before you go any further, please take note of this. Nutritionists, scientists, Stephen Hawking, and Dr. Oz, if you are going to read any further, I really don’t solicit comments from you and your colleagues.

That said, I want to tell you about some research I have noticed on the web recently. According to many health and diet gurus who are desperately concerned about the morbidly obese, oh, and I guess the rest of us schlubs, the reason we all have spare tires and worse is due to carbohydrates. For those of you in my group of ten faithful readers who need a definition, a carb (we are very chummy, so I can abbreviate) is anything that converts to sugar in your bloodstream. This means that a carb is basically anything worth eating.

Carbs are in things like bread, pasta, fruit, wine, beer, desserts, and perhaps toothpaste. Food without carbs is the stuff that Dr. Atkins loved: meat, cheese, eggs, and butter, with some vegetables thrown in. But not corn.

Apparently, people who want to live long and healthy lives are now eschewing (but not chewing) anything with carbs in it. There is all kinds of research involving lipids, blood pressure, brown vs. white fat (this is not a racist thing, believe me), and Spanx, to indicate that we should not ever eat carbs again.

I respect all these scientists who are now leading colorless lives, void of any pleasure other than watching sports on TV and having sex–I do. But I have to represent all of us out here in the heartland (no pun intended) who are approaching old age. Here is our position: We do not want to live to be one hundred. “Hundredaires” are often lonely. Their friends and family have died, probably because they ate cake and drank beer. So these centenarians live most likely in nursing homes, cared for by nurse aids with Cheeto dust on their hands. These oldsters spend their days rolling around in wheelchairs and being addressed as “honey.”

Do you aspire to this? I don’t. Do you just love cake? I do. Is your life enhanced not only by sex and television, but also by the occasional beer with nachos? Mine is.

So don’t worry too much about carbs. If you need to lose weight, up your exercise, and just have cake and beer on Saturdays. Stop the fear and dread of carbohydrates. You will have a happy life, and if you are lucky, you and your friends will all die during the same decade.

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