Are you boring? Do you poop out at parties? Don’t have anything to talk about? Want others to talk about you? Spice up your life and your image:

  • Start rolling your r’s.
  • Be enthusiastic about throw pillows. Really enthusiastic.
  • Start a collection. But of unusual things, like pipe cleaners.
  • Paint your kitchen black.
  • Carry bubblegum with you everywhere.
  • Reveal embarrassing secrets.
  • Eat your hot dogs with a knife and fork.
  • Cross your legs at the ankles.
  • Carry a Thesaurus under your arm.
  • Order the cheese plate for dessert.
  • Leash train your cat.
  • Keep chickens.
  • Instead of Shakespeare, quote Anais Nin.
  • Wear a pencil behind your ear. All the time.
  • Button your shirts all the way up.
  • Announce you have to leave the table to “go brush your teeth.”
  • While you are at it, hand out toothbrushes to all your dinner companions.
  • Name your dog Steven.
  • Name your new baby Elon.
  • Place your EpiPen beside your plate at every meal.
  • Get a black dot tattooed on the end of your nose.
  • Put ice cubes in your milk.
  • After someone tells a joke, follow up by reciting a limerick.
  • Learn how to read Tarot cards.
  • Blink SOS in Morse Code at a cocktail party and see if anyone notices.

This should get you started. I have to go now and brush my teeth.

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