Midsummer. Today we are under a heat advisory. Old people are supposed to stay in the house and drink a lot of water. This makes sense. I am an old person. So I am inside, thinking about how to survive until it cools down. Here are some other hot weather tips:

  • According to my husband, sit very, very still. This way, you don’t expend a lot of energy, and you stay cool. In my opinion, this is hogwash.
  • Popsicles.
  • Have cool food. By this, I don’t mean hipster food. I hate sushi and things made out of squid ink. I mean have deviled eggs and macaroni salad.
  • Corn on the cob is great. It isn’t exactly cool food, but since you can only get the good corn in the summer, you have to have it. Forget roasting the ears, because then you have to stand in front of a hot grill. Just five minutes in boiling water, and use tons of butter and salt. Eat it in the kitchen, and if you have to, leave the fridge door open. Carbon footprint be damned, at least during supper.
  • Take as many showers as you need, and for heaven’s sake, use deodorant. Sidebar: My husband has never used deodorant. He has never once smelled like anything, good or bad, in his life. Isn’t this amazing? He is fragrance-free.
  • Wear linen. The fact that you will look like you slept in your clothes five minutes after you put them on is immaterial (see what I just did, there?), apparently. If you are rumpled, sweat stains aren’t so obvious. They say linen breathes. However,I have never seen any of my blouses take a deep breath. Just saying.
  • Gin and tonics.
  • Vodka and tonics.
  • Watermelon is my most favorite thing, and did you know it is low calorie? Dogs like it, too!
  • Speaking of carbon footprints, I get really annoyed at people riding in their convertibles with the top down, the windows up, and the AC blowing. Either put the top up or gut it out! This is the most perfect example I can think of to illustrate trying to have cake and eat it, too. Come ON.
  • That wicking clothing? It makes me sweat more. See linen, above.
  • Try not to argue with anybody. You will get so very hot.
  • Avoid the news. Watch cooling tv shows like Ice Road Truckers and Fortitude.
  • You can sleep naked, as long as you don’t have houseguests. Wait. That sounds as if I sleep WITH my houseguests. No. I mean, what if there were a fire? Would you want to run out into the hall with your private parts on display? See old people, above.
  • Popsicles.
  • Popsicles.
  • Popsicles.

I am feeling a little overheated. I need a Popsicle.

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