Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. An apple a day. Eggs will kill you. Use margarine, not butter. OH MY GOD, CARBS! Ketosis. Paleo. Dr. Adkins, may he rest in peace. The Scarsdale Diet. Those diets where they send you all the food incased in plastic that when you microwave it, tastes like airplane food, only worse. Good grief. We mortals have been lectured, frightened, intimidated, and threatened by the food we eat since that guy (Kellogg? Alexander Graham Bell? Houdini? I don’t have Google handy at the moment) invented the Graham cracker and convinced us all that enemas were part of a healthy lifestyle. We have been gaslighted by the food and medical industry for way too long!

I just saw a post on Facebook, where I get all of my news (not exactly–I get my political news from Twitter, where all Hell breaks out hourly), that proclaimed that “Pasta will extend your life!” I didn’t even bother to read the article, but instead took it immediately to heart. These days, a good headline does as much for the soul as the truth, which may turn out to kill us all. Either that, or it will save democracy.

I have counted the carbs, the calories, sprinkled bran dust on my food, and you name it. I tried fasting every other day. That didn’t go well. But now, I have decided that in order to survive, I need to eat all the stuff. Eating all the stuff unfortunately precludes sweets, because I have pre diabetes, but other than that, no stuff is off limits. Because sooner or later, there will be a report that finally, after a longitudinal study of every single human in America, will conclude that food is good for you.

A disclaimer: I am not talking about junk food. We all know that Little Debbie is actually a sociopath. No, I am talking about real food. Recipes that you make yourself with real ingredients like broccoli, olive oil, any sort of cheese, and maybe noodles. Or if you are famished and don’t want to make something that calls for multiple ingredients, a trip to the grocery, and steps that you have to follow in order–some scrambled eggs with toast and a cup of coffee.

I have, once and for all, decided that I am no longer going to worry about food. I am just going to eat it. I will eat what a caveman ate, as long as it tastes good. This naturally means barbecued things, because isn’t cooking things outside over spits what cavemen, or should I say cavepeople, did? I don’t think there was a lot of baking going on back then. I will eat what the Pilgrims ate. I appreciate what Mexicans eat. I bet if I went to China, I would be a little scared of the food (fish eyeballs), but here in America, I love Chinese cuisine. White rice? Oh, yeah. My brown rice days are over. Indian food! Chicken Tikka!

Peanut butter on Ritz is a good snack. I also appreciate Triscuits with cottage cheese. I bought some string cheese for when my grandchildren (one of them looking adorable with food, above) come to visit. I discovered why kids and dogs love it. It is delicious to eat while watching Househunters International at four in the afternoon. It tides one over until dinner perfectly. Fruit. Fruit is excellent. Tater tots. Tomato soup. Pizza.

This leads me to bread. How on earth did humans figure out that if you mix ground up seeds with water and put in in fire, it turns into something that would be great with slices of mastodon meat rolled up in it? And yeast. Who figured that out? These people should have gone down in history.

So. Here is the prescription for the future. Eat all the food. Well, not at one sitting.


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