Dear Dr. Fauci:
First of all, I want to salute you for all of your efforts during the pandemic. All that talking made you hoarse, and you had to have nodules removed from your vocal chords. Now that’s dedication to the cause.
Next, I have to hand it to you for standing up against “there will only be 15 cases,” injecting bleach, staying upright during all of those misguided “corona press conferences,” and ignoring Dr. Birx as she wilted into her scarves. By the way, how did you not try to strangle Alex Azar and his cohorts?
But there you were, on all the news programs and social media, diplomatically trying to keep all the facts straight. You said we didn’t need masks, then we did. Three feet apart, then six feet. Despite all the mixed messaging, you remained stalwart. For some reason, your credibility never wavered, despite all of the confusion about what Americans should be doing and not doing.
I have some questions that I would like you to clear up, though. How many masks are we up to now? Double or triple? Travel is ok, as long as you don’t go inside the airports, right? Still no hugging? Fully vaccinated people can get together inside a house, but not a restaurant? Dr., would you go to a movie? How about a grocery store? Are you getting into more frequent arguments with your wife–is she starting to get on your nerves? Do you have a toilet paper stockpile? Will there be another surge? Is Dr. Wallensky correct to be “scared,” or is she just a wuss?
My husband has been wearing the same disposable mask for about a month now. He thinks it airs out overnight and is just fine the next day. Should I burn this mask? Also, my husband only counts to ten these days when washing his hands. He says fully vaccinated people don’t need to sing Happy Birthday while washing any more. Should I ask him to substitute Mary Had a Little Lamb, or can I just let him go?
Can I throw away most of the fifty little bottles of hand sanitizer I still have in the cupboard? How many should I keep? Is four enough to get us through until the pandemic is behind us? You mentioned baseball. We can hope to attend games? I hate baseball, but I should go to a game anyway, just to get out of the house?
How soon will there be booster shots? Will we need booster shots? Will there be a pill? I heard there might be a pill. And what about nasal spray? It stops the virus in your nostrils before it can scurry down into your lungs. Will they have that nasal spray at CVS?
Are you sick of Zoom like the rest of us?
Since I see you so often, can I refer to you as Tony?
Are you having ham for Easter?