DADS by every child, ever


My Dad is very big. He can touch the top of the refrigerator, and he knows that’s where Mom hides the Oreos, so he gives one to me when Mom isn’t in the kitchen. I am only supposed to get one a day. My Dad says this rule is made to be broken.

My Dad taught me how to ride a bike after Mom ran beside me for five minutes and got “totally exhausted in all that heat!” His legs don’t get tired, and he never sweats.

Dad shaves. He says he hates to, but he does it so Mom won’t complain when he kisses her. Total yuck.

Dad tells the same joke about the short guy who walks into a restaurant and asks if they serve shrimp. The hostess says, “Sure. Sit down!” I laugh my head off every time.

Dads aren’t so good at hugging you when you bump your head going down the slide. Moms are better for that. But dads are better at playing in the swimming pool. They throw you up in the air over and over, and they pretend to be “a short guy in a bathtub.” They forget to put your sunscreen on, though.

Dads can’t cook, unless they are chefs. My Dad says he is a chef, but all he can make are pancakes. And he always says goddam it  when the first one sticks to the griddle. My Dad also makes really great frozen pizza. He adds extra cheese.

My Dad likes to mow the lawn, drink beer on hot days, and go fishing. I hate fishing. The worms make me puke. Dad says that I have to learn how to do this without puking, or I won’t be any fun.

Dads usually swear more than moms, but my Mom says shit. Then she apologizes. That’s stupid. I say shit, too, but not when she is listening. Dad says goddam it all the time. And he tells the rabbits that eat all the lettuce in his garden to GO TO HELL.

On Father’s Day, we usually give Dad a tie, but this year, he said to CEASE AND DESIST.. So my sister and I got him a package of Twizzlers. I think he liked that.

If you don’t have a Dad, it is ok. My best friend has two moms. So they just celebrate Mother’s day again on Father’s day. My cousin’s dad died, so he and his mom are very sad on Father’s Day. And some parents have different pronouns. I think it is better to just love your parents, no matter what it is about them.

Maybe we should just celebrate Parent’s Day.

This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.