I am not cool. I wear Capri pants. I am also in my 60’s. I think I missed the “cool window” completely. But I know what cool is. As a matter of fact, I think I could give hipster lessons. The main reason I am not cool is that my daughters would not approve. They think that coolness is reserved for the youth. Of course, neither of them is getting any younger, but I digress.
Moms are almost never cool. Society dictates that once you are a mom, you have to wear “mom clothes.” More specifically, “mom pants.” These pants actually come up to one’s waist. I find mom pants very comfortable. I tried low rise jeans once, and they kept slipping down whenever I sat. Exposing way too much buttock. So I went back to the mom ones. Again, I guess I have chosen not to be cool. But this doesn’t in any way detract from my expertise.
So, if you are a mom who wants to be cool, I can help you with that. Here goes:
- Wear tight things. Like tee shirts that cling to your torso. In order to do this, you need an acceptable torso, however.
- Forget the demure gold ball posts. You need to wear huge dangly earrings that get tangled up in your hair. Again, if you are a mom, you risk having your child pull them right out of your lobes, causing a split look, which may also be cool with those people who enjoy the pierced and bifurcated looks. Totally.
- Tattoos are no longer that cool. People my age have them. You might have to go in for some body modification, like having spikes implanted in your scalp. Just saying. (see bifurcated tongues, above)
- Color your hair. No, COLOR you hair. Orange is good.
- Don’t wear makeup. What, you have something to hide?
- Do you have a baby? Then nurse that baby in public. Preferably, not using a cover. This is totally cool. Plus, it helps break down the barriers that some uptight people want to impose against what is the most natural thing in the world. Are you modest? Well, get over it.
- One particularly cool person I know (this daughter shall remain nameless) actually figured out how to USE HER BREAST PUMP while driving on the highway. Yes, she was the only person in the car. This is the cool ULTIMATE.
- Scarves. Long and flowy. Wear them in the summer, too, even though anything around your neck makes you very HOT.
- Say “like” in between every few phrases. This is apparently extremely cool.
- Finally, don’t be afraid to dance around like Ellen. Just perfect one or two good moves first.
- When it is your turn to provide snacks for soccer practice, bag up some kale and chia seeds.
I could go on and on. But there may be another blog post in this. And remember,
Those who can’t do, teach.