After dinner, we settle down to watch TV. We don’t watch anything that is on network TV. We prefer the mystery series that are on the streaming. You know the ones–they surround a crime, usually murder, and they have at least six episodes.
It requires two people to watch these, because these shows are so crammed with red herrings, a cast of thousands, and so many blind alleys. This is how our evenings in front of the TV go:
HIM: “Wait. Pause it for a minute. Who’s Larry?”
ME: “Larry is Maurice’s brother.”
HIM: “The one with the false eye?”
ME: “No. That is Tony. You know–Tony runs the coffee shop. Larry is Mary’s father.”
HIM: “So they think Larry did it? I thought he had an alibi. He was eating pizza with Don and his wife–what’s her name? Violet?”
ME: “Larry’s alibi may be shaky. He is sleeping with Violet, so she is probably lying for him.”
The show continues, and we watch as some new characters emerge, and a plot detail from the first episode comes up big time. Neither of us remembers it.
ME: “Wait. The mailbox??”
HIM: *rewinding* “See that? She put a letter in the mailbox.”
ME: “Who? The next door neighbor?”
HIM: “Yeah.”
ME: “So she is important to all of this? Is she a suspect? Wasn’t she the one who moved back to London in the first episode? I thought she was just Violet’s roommate from college.”
HIM: “Yes, but she must be important. Maybe the letter has incriminating facts in it.”
ME: “Or maybe not. She could just be mailing a letter.”
HIM: “Is this the show where the girl got raped on roofies?”
ME: “No wonder you are confused. No. That was the last show–the one with the body in the lake beside the boy’s boarding school.”
HIM: “Oh, right. This is about the poisoning.”
ME: “Yeah. So maybe the letter is a flashback. Or, maybe the letter has the poison.”
Why we watch these is the real mystery, because number one: the guilty person is always the one you least suspect, so just pick the most ridiculous cast member, and you will be right ninety percent of the time. Remember Tony, with the false eye? HE did it. The fact that he appears in the first episode for exactly three seconds is the giveaway. Who would guess Tony? We would. But wait, is it Tony??
Number two: The same famous actors, like Olivia Coleman, are in all of these shows, so we get confused. Olivia was the good true woman in the last show we watched, and then she is in a show sending nasty letters to everyone in the village. We just can’t keep it straight–is she the good one or the bad one?
Of course, there is always the plot twist. Or worse. Tony, whose eye gives us the creeps, turns out to be a former priest. A man of God, who just looks like someone who might be a murderer. The actual murderer is Violet, whom we would have never suspected, because she has such a small role. They elevate her in the last episode, when she tries to push DCI Bradley off the roof, because he is on to her for murdering Ralph with the poison. Ralph, the seemingly innocuous schoolteacher.
After the last episode, we both shrug. We knew it was coming. The person you least suspect.
HIM: “But what was in the letter? It wasn’t poison, because Violet kept the poison in her purse in that little bottle. What was the letter all about?”
ME: “Something unimportant. They wanted us to get confused.”
HIM: *nods wisely* “Of course. Remember the brother in the chicken suit? THAT WAS CONFUSING.”
ME: “That wasn’t in this show.”
HIM: “I know that. But it was still confusing.”
We turn off the TV, shut off the lights, and go to bed. Just before he starts snoring, I sit bolt upright.
ME: “But wait! Violent and Tony were both threatened by the London mafia! Violet murdered Ralph to protect Tony! Ralph was mafia; remember the black gloves? They were setting us up for Season Two!”
HIM: “The chicken suit was so confusing…”