I have had it with all of the advisers out there in internet land. The fitness experts, the diet bloggers, the health food/nutrition people, and the positive attitude foisters. They are full of it. I have tried to follow their advice, and by my own personal experience, I am here to inform you that most of the advice you find on Google about every single thing is totally bogus. So here goes:

You aren’t hungry, you are just dehydrated. Really? When I am feeling like eating a huge mound of victuals, all I need is a drink of water? This is ridiculous. Drinking water when you are hungry just causes you to have to pee during dinner, nothing else. And those eight to ten glasses they say you should drink in order to lose weight? Have you ever tried carrying a gallon of water in a bucket up a flight of stairs? It is extremely heavy. I rest my case.

Posting something you are grateful for every day on Facebook enriches your life. Maybe. But it irritates the hell out of all of your Facebook friends who aren’t that grateful.

Trying to cut out sugar? Eat sour things instead. What?

Shake weights give you a great full body workout. No. Shake weights give you a headache and make you unable to hold a glass of water without spilling it all over your front.

Mix in your blender a banana, one teaspoon of cocoa, five ice cubes, and almond milk for a shake that tastes like Wendy’s Frosty. Negative-o. This tastes like watery banana with a weird powdery aftertaste. People have been trying to convince us for years that blending ice cubes with fruity things results in a milkshake. And we keep on falling for it.

Jumping jacks. They make you wet your pants.

Power walk holding five pound weights. This is a great cardio experience. But you look like a complete idiot striding down the street swinging little dumbbells. No. You do.

Vibram shoes are good for your feet. Ha! Told you! But of course, no one listens to their mother when she says, “You will run over a pebble and bruise your metatarsal,” do they?

Cut carbs. This may in the long run prove to be actual good advice. But a person who truly cuts carbs is a very grouchy, depressed and starving individual. The fact that carbless people look like Gywneth Paltrow isn’t relevant, either, because nobody really likes her.

Do yoga. No, you do yoga. The last time I took a yoga class, and it wasn’t even the hot kind, I got a kink in my back that required some major chiropractic and Vicodin. Yoga makes ninety percent of the people who take classes in it crippled up one way or another. Namaste to that.

Here is the thing: Many of the people writing up all that advice on the internet are either making it all up to fill a blog, because they are totally out of new ideas, or they are quoting some other “expert” blogger who is totally out of new ideas. This is how things like the adage “no pain, no gain” got started. Some blogger made a fool of herself at the gym trying to impress the person on the treadmill next to her, and she lost her balance and fell off. It hurt. So she coined the phrase to make herself feel better. And since then, thousands of people have felt that it isn’t a complete gym experience without searing pain. See? This is how all of this nonsense begins! Look. Proof. Here is one I am inventing on the spot. Let’s see how many people end up doing this very thing after a few boings around the internets:

If you are really serious about losing weight, improving your mental state and finding true fulfillment—put your plate of Oreos on the floor at least twenty feet away from yourself, and crawl on all fours toward them. When you reach them, turn back. Then crawl toward them once more. If you are particularly fit, add in two more crawls, while saying things like “Hey!” and “Bam!” in true “aerobic instructor” bouncy cadence. By this time, they will have reached a level of importance that Oreos have never had in your lifetime. Grab the plate of Oreos. Lift them as high as you can over your head, spine straight, while chanting sonorously, “These are damn good.” That’s fine. Now eat ‘em. You have just combined a truly strenuous workout with an intensely emotional reward. You will be tired, but very, very happy. Just wait. The Oreo Workout will be snapped up by all the advice bloggers. But you saw it here first.

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