If you would just direct your attention to the flight attendant who is standing in front of you, seat belt simulator in hand, we can get started. We know any idiot knows how to attach and un-attach that thing, but regulations require us to bore you with it anyway. And for heaven’s sake, in case of a crash or something, please look at the flight attendant when he or she tells you how to save your own life, for Pete’s sake.

Since we now stuff all of you into your seats like sardines and still allow those of you rude enough to do it to recline your seats, let’s just go over a few guidelines for passenger etiquette, shall we?

  • The middle armrest. It isn’t a case of “dibs.” Two of you are expected to share it. So for heaven’s sake, one of you take the back end, and one of you take the front! And really, don’t touch arms. That’s just creepy.
  • Our food is expensive, and we realize there is a sorry selection. So we get it. You bring food on board with you. But will whomever chose the tuna sandwich please touch your “call attendant” button? We are sorry, but you will have to relinquish the tuna and have it in the boarding area after we land. What is wrong with you?
  • This is a peanut-free flight. There is an allergic passenger. This is a serious matter, because peanut fumes can kill (they are actually lethal; although tuna fumes just seem that way). Don’t think you can sneak a bite of your Snickers. That would be murder, you ignorant slob.
  • Keep your feet to yourself. The space under the seat in front of you and the overhead bins are absolutely crammed with luggage that nobody wants to pay to check. So despite the fact that some of you may be over six feet tall, just shove your feet against your carry on and hug your knees for the remainder of the flight. Remember, don’t touch the passenger next to you. How many times do we have to tell you that touching that person is just weird?
  • You may use your electronic devices in “airplane mode.” How on God’s earth we can determine if your device is actually in “airplane mode” is an excellent question. We have no idea. However, if the pilot comes charging out of the cockpit screaming the F word with spittle flying out the sides of his mouth, it’s a safe bet that he figured out that your device is not in airplane mode. Enough said.
  • Your seat tray is filthy. Babies have been changed on it. Passengers have probably sneezed on it at the beginning of that nasty flu that is going around. So if you want to open your “complimentary” bag of pretzels and spread them out all over your tray, go right ahead. It usually takes at least 24 hours for symptoms to appear, at which time you will be safely delivered to your destination.
  • Thank you so much for choosing to fly with us today. We know you have many choices of airlines, all of which jam-pack their flights and charge ridiculous prices, and we understand that flying these days is nothing like the pleasurable experience it used to be in the 50’s, but we appreciate your business, and we would like to announce that even the people in First Class are now being given their cocktails in plastic glasses. Have a wonderful day, wherever your travels take you.
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