I used to subscribe to the New York Times. It was expensive, and when I realized that I no longer needed to spend that kind of money in order to be up on things, I cancelled my subscription. Because now I simply get all my news from Facebook.

Facebook is the “big brother” that George Orwell warned us all about. We didn’t listen. Facebook seems pretty innocuous, but it is all knowing. It has algorithms. I don’t exactly know what an algorithm is, but it is a heinous thing, apparently. Facebook uses algorithms to track the things that you “like,” and so it fills your Facebook feed with things along those lines. So I see a lot of posts about kittens, low-carb food, and Caitlyn Jenner. This is well and good. Scary? No privacy? It’s the price we pay!

Facebook provides me with the only window to the world that I need. It gives me breaking news that it knows I am interested in. Not like Twitter, which simply floods my timeline with ALL the news. I don’t want ALL the news, and Facebook knows it. So I get all the news that is filtered by Facebook to meet my specific needs.

For instance, I can tell you what foods boost your metabolism. Most of them are spicy. Or what if you don’t want to pay for that expensive facelift? Well, no problem! You can use foods commonly found in your cupboard to create wrinkle-busting facials! Bananas and honey are involved, I think. Also, there is a doctor called Mercola (he never lists his first name, which is a little bit bothersome—do you just go by Mr. Jones?) who uncovers all kinds of icky stuff that you shouldn’t be doing, ingesting, or even considering.

I just found out that collecting rainwater is now illegal in many States. Of course, since I only read the headline, I have no idea why or in which states. The same is true for anything about The Duggar family—but I see enough about them to know that I wouldn’t want to be one of their children. And did you know that there is now going to be a women’s Viagra? Yep. Saw it on Facebook.

I share some of this groundbreaking information with my husband, but he just asks tedious questions like “Which state is now almost underwater?” and “who would want to buy a purse for$150,000?”

Apparently, Facebook also knows I like to celebrate. Because I know all about National Donut Day, National Hug Your Cat Day, National Wear Your Clothes to Bed Day, and National Eat Cheese Day. All of these are holidays worth celebrating with as much pomp and circumstance as possible.

Oh, and is it your birthday? Well, Facebook will let me know if it is. I also know what your favorite TV shows, movies, songs and foods are. Of course, I have seen all of your children’s graduation pictures and first haircuts. I know exactly what you had for lunch yesterday, because Facebook showed me that picture of your beet salad.

Incidentally, did you know that eating the placenta after you give birth isn’t really good for you? Or that drinking eight glasses of water a day is just not that beneficial? And that Ferris Bueller took his day off 30 years ago?

Gotta go. I have to check my Facebook feed. Big news: Minnie Mouse and Hello Kitty got into a huge brawl in Times Square. Inquiring minds want to know…

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