On Mother’s Day, I scroll through all the Facebook posts to see not only what all my lucky friends are having for brunch, but also the gifts they are getting. It’s heartwarming. I got nice gifts, too. Traditional gifts. Flowers and a wonderful collage of photos of my darling grandson.

This got me thinking, however, of the kinds of gifts that some women get. Grand gestures. The kinds of gifts that are featured in romantic movies. A car with a huge bow on it. A surprise trip—in which your girlfriend packed your suitcase and hid it at her house (wouldn’t you miss your pajamas?). A new emerald-cut diamond ring.

I don’t necessarily want any of those things. Ok, I am lying. But here are some gifts I haven’t gotten, either—and I am putting this out into the universe just in case anyone who might ever have an occasion to give me a present is listening:

  • I would love a team of experts to come in and clean my house from top to bottom. Just as long as they wouldn’t tell anybody what they found under the sofas.
  • Eighteen carat gold just about anything.
  • Ditto platinum.
  • You know those TVs that mount on the wall with no visible cords? I want one in the bedroom. With earphones. And cable.
  • Self-cleaning cat boxes.
  • A weekend in New York.
  • Some really expensive face cream that actually works.
  • Oh, my God. A cook. We can just stop right here.

Actually, I would give up a lot of things for the cook. I don’t really need any more pairs of shoes. My winter coat will last for at least ten more years. Yes, it would be nice to get the sofas reupholstered, but if there were dinner ready and steaming on the table every night, with no assist from me? I would keep the sofas even in tatters. And cat box scooping? I would do it happily forever, if dinner were a non-issue.

It’s a first world problem. But here I am, firmly ensconced in the first world, my grocery list in hand, and my heart sinking. I have fixed chicken in more ways than I can count. Cheese and crackers for dinner is a no-go. I hated that chipotle smoked tofu recipe. A cook. I can’t even imagine.

I know.

  • A new winter coat.
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