A CAUTIONARY TALE

I am a victim of misinformation.

I may not be a victim of misinformation.

It could be that I am the victim of my own faith in what I see on the Internet.

I could be a victim of stupidity.

In my defense, I saw this on more than one internet site, so as a red-blooded American who defines seeing something on multiple www’s as actual research, I believed it.

The “personal trainers” on the web said that if you can’t sit down on the floor and then get up without USING YOUR HANDS, you will be dead in less than five years.

Five years.

I even watched the videos of these (obviously fit) people doing it. They put one foot behind the other, sort of like getting ready to curtsey, and then lowered themselves gracefully to the floor. They took a deep breath, then using just the strength in their ankles, calves, and thighs, sprang to their feet.

The thinking behind this, and I am not sure whether nine out of ten doctors agree, or if there is some study published somewhere that says that if you can’t do this, it is an indication of your overall health, and being too weak to spring up from sitting cross-legged in a single movement means you will get cancer, a stroke, or break a hip. Then die. The research wasn’t cited.

However, I saw these videos and realized that my death is imminent.

So I began to practice. First, I lowered myself down next to the bed, so I could use it for balance, in case I began to fall. I began to fall. The bed didn’t help. So I landed hard on my ass. But I was down there, at least.

The experts said to lean back a little, and rock forward to create momentum. The momentum would get you started, and then you could just sort of roll up into a full stand.

I tried this a number of times, unsuccessfully.

Then I managed to roll up onto one knee, then struggle up somehow twisting as if being mugged, but I managed to stand. Without using my hands, goddammit.

I was so excited that I was going to live at least six more years, that I called my husband to come and witness. “Watch, Charlie!” And I did it again.

I was so proud of myself. I was fit. I was in for a long future.

The next morning, I could barely move.

My chiropractor asked me if I had any ivermectin in my medicine cabinet, in case of emergency.

 

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