Everything sucks right now. And then Dolly Parton died. How can we go on?
Multiple therapists, pundits, and Dear Abby say that one way to feel better is to go out in “nature.” This seems logical, but here is the rub: What exactly is nature? Is it your backyard, where the kid next door might lob a basketball over the fence and hit you in the head? That is neither calming nor renewing.
So is nature just going outside and taking a walk? Walks are fine, depending on where you are walking. Again, walking on a sidewalk could mean dodging scooters, hearing horns honking, stubbing your toe on uneven pavement, or stepping in dog poop.
Is nature a park? Nice. But parks have walking trails with ticks.
So if you want to get out in official nature, you have to get in a car, train, or plane, and go to the forest, a national park, or wilderness area. This requires time, hiking boots, bear spray, bug repellent, and physical fitness. You could feel unfettered and free, looking at the clouds, but trip over a root and sprain your ankle. Or you could be bitten by an insect and get a gigantic welt. In real nature, there is WILDLIFE. I am not a fan of wildlife, no matter how cute that marmot is. Snakes. Snakes are in nature. And if you go far enough into nature there are bears, big cats, and wolves. Oh yeah, ticks too.
If you go far enough out there, you have to pitch a tent. Then you have to cook dinner on a meager flame, opening a can of beans and threading a weenie on a stick. Which gets burned and tastes more like ashes than a hot dog. And who wants to pee in the woods and get poison ivy on their private parts? This makes you feel more peaceful and optimistic?
Nature can be hot, wet, muddy, humid, or it can be cold, windy, rainy, stormy, or dark. Yes, with ticks. Who wants to go out there? I know people who have said they spent their entire childhoods outside. Those people may find nirvana outside someplace, but those people are mostly the ones on Survivor.
As far as I am concerned, nature is uncomfortable, dangerous, overrated, and the least peaceful place a person can go. For inner peace in trying times, I vote for the Dairy Queen.
