Who taught you how to read a map? Nobody taught me. This is why I am never the navigator on a road trip, or why I never go anywhere I have not been before, because I have no idea how to get there. My husband telling me to “Go north on I 75 and take the east so and so exit” might as well be in another language.
So when Siri came along, my life changed. I can go to a dermatologist in Cincinnati if I want to, because Siri will gently tell me how to get there, and if I make a mistake, she merely shrugs and reroutes me.
My husband never uses Siri. He puts a map in his lap and glances down frequently, despite the traffic. This makes me nervous and puts us in slight danger, but there is nothing I can do about it, because he doesn’t use Siri. Why? “BECAUSE IT DOESN’T WORK IN MY CAR.”
“But it isn’t IN your car. It’s on your phone.”
“Ok, then. The next time I will show you that this woman never answers when I call her, and in my phone or not, it doesn’t work. So I use a map. Maps always work.”
“But Siri is built in to your phone. It is on ALL iPhones!”
“Not on mine.”
So the next time we went to the grocery store, I wanted a demo of the nonworking, built-in app on his and every other iPhone on the planet. “So ask for directions,” I said.
“Ok, then. Here goes, he said. “Hey, Sheila. Directions to the Kroger.”
Naturally, there was no answer.
“See? It doesn’t work. I told you!” He gave me a smug look.
“Two things: First, her name is SIRI. Second, do you know how many Krogers there are on the Eastern Seaboard? Thousands. You have to give her something to GO ON. The one in Kettering, Ohio, or the one in Schenectady, New York, for instance? But really, the main problem you are having is that you have no idea what her name is. You can’t just shout out any name starting with an S.”
I thought back to when we visited our daughter at Christmas. That was frustrating as well, because my husband wanted to give “Alicia” orders, and “Alicia” never complied. He didn’t get it, because whenever my daughter gave her an order, Alexa did just as she was asked.
I don’t want Alicia or Alexa, because they eavesdrop all the time, and I don’t need them to overhear me wondering about how I look in Capri pants, and snitching to Google, who then sends me all sorts of ads for Spanx and control-top panty hose.
Technology has gotten invasive…but only if you remember its name.
