Stop feeling terrible about yourself.
- If you can’t get up from sitting cross-legged on the floor without using your hands, you are not going to die within five years. For heaven’s sake, I am certain that the majority of people on Social Security can’t do this. It’s the ones who CAN that are freaks. And unless they can get right down on the floor and demonstrate, they are lying.
- You know the people who don’t eat carbs? They are lying.
- I only know one person who has actually read Ulysses. The rest of them are lying.
- People who say raw oysters are delicious MUST be lying. You are still sophisticated if you find oysters, and yes, caviar, disgusting.
- You know all those products out there for improving “crepey skin?” All lying.
- 8 glasses of water a day has been debunked so many times. It’s a lie, folks! All we need to do is drink when we are thirsty. Maybe you were in the bathroom when this was exposed as untrue.
- And you are lying to yourself when you think women have to wear thong underwear. We don’t. We can wear whatever underpants we want to. I don’t think men care about thongs. Men just care if a woman laughs at their jokes. Or touches them on the face. Or breathes near them. Thongs are not even in men’s vernacular. Sex is in their vernacular, but they would have sex with a nice woman in granny pants. Or Spanx. As long as there is a woman in the same vicinity, not a man in the world would say to himself, “If she isn’t wearing a thong, it’s a no-go.”
- When you stay in your pjs all day, you are not a lazy bum. Don’t feel guilty for not getting dressed in your own home. Those people who make you feel like a lazy bum are lying. They are probably still in their pajamas.
- And finally, when your mom told you “I can always tell when you are lying,” she was lying.
