Archives September 2025

“What is this?”

“It’s soap.”

“I know it is soap. It’s orange. We have never had orange soap.”

“So now we do.”

“Why do we suddenly have orange soap? It doesn’t smell like an orange. As a matter of fact, it smells sort of icky.”

“It’s a long story.”

“I have time.”

“Ok. In my news feed, it says that old people have an odor. An ‘old people’ odor.”

“Oh, no. What odor is that?”

“They describe it as sort of like mushrooms and must. And apparently, when you are old, you have it.”

“Are you saying I smell like mushrooms?”

“No. But you might to other people, and so might I.”

“Has anyone told you that one of us smells?”

“Of course not. Nobody would ever say that to an old person. So savvy old people have to be proactive and start using this soap that frankly, smells awful.”

“So when we use it, we take on the odor of this orange soap that isn’t a nice citrus smell, but sort of smells heavy and frankly repellent?”

“I think it is supposed to maybe react with your body chemistry to offset the old person odor and neutralize it.”

“Or make you smell, not like an old person, but just a person that smells, instead of mushrooms, more like rotted fruit? What IS this product?”

“You sort of hit the nail on the head. It is persimmon soap. Specially formulated for those of us approaching death.”

“But nobody has even hinted that you or I smell like mushrooms?”

“Who would tell us that? Frankly, the only person I can think of who would be that honest is 8 years old and lives in California.”

“So now, because of an article on your so called news feed we are doomed to use this persimmon stuff so we smell like persimmons instead of mushrooms? I like mushrooms. I like them sautéed and on top of chicken marsala. Have you ever had persimmons?”

“Yes. Once. I wasn’t a fan.”

“But you are fine with smelling like one until you die?”

“It was in my news feed.”

“The persimmon people put it there.”

“Let’s just try it and see how people react.”

“Molly. They won’t react. Just like they aren’t reacting to the fact that we might smell like mushrooms.”

“Ha ha! But we won’t smell like mushrooms, so people won’t go home and whisper about us smelling like old people–like when they are getting ready for bed and reviewing the dinner experience.”

“One question: have you ever smelled an old person? Like, caught a whiff of mushrooms?”

“Actually, no.”

“So this is all an insurance policy against being told by an adorable 8 year old in California that we smell sort of like the inside of a closet?”

“Exactly. I rest my case.”

“Should we start giving this soap to our friends as hostess gifts–since you also read on your news feed that we need to start bringing hostess gifts?”

“Only if our hostess is over the age of 65.”

“So if we have a young hostess, what do we bring?”

“A soap DISH.”

See you next week.

Stop feeling terrible about yourself.

• If you can’t get up from sitting cross-legged on the floor without using your hands, you are not going to die within five years. For heaven’s sake, I am certain that the majority of people on Social Security can’t do this. It’s the ones who CAN that are freaks. And unless they can get right down on the floor and demonstrate, they are lying.
• You know the people who don’t eat carbs? They are lying.
• I only know one person who has actually read Ulysses. The rest of them are lying.
• People who say raw oysters are delicious MUST be lying. You are still sophisticated if you find oysters, and yes, caviar, disgusting.
• You know all those products out there for improving “crepey skin?” All lying.
• 8 glasses of water a day has been debunked so many times. It’s a lie, folks! All we need to do is drink when we are thirsty. Maybe you were in the bathroom when this was exposed as untrue.
• And you are lying to yourself when you think women have to wear thong underwear. We don’t. We can wear whatever underpants we want to. I don’t think men care about thongs. Men just care if a woman laughs at their jokes. Or touches them on the face. Or breathes near them. Thongs are not even in men’s vernacular. Sex is in their vernacular, but they would have sex with a nice woman in granny pants. Or Spanx. As long as there is a woman in the same vicinity, not a man in the world would say to himself, “If she isn’t wearing a thong, it’s a no-go.”
• When you stay in your pjs all day, you are not a lazy bum. Don’t feel guilty for not getting dressed in your own home. Those people who make you feel like a lazy bum are lying. They are probably still in their pajamas.
• And finally, when your mom told you “I can always tell when you are lying,” she was lying.

Nobody ever eats on tv. They sit down, but then something happens, and they never even take one bite. So why they set scenes at the table is beyond me. Why don’t they show crises in a living room? I know. If I got an alert during lunch that a tornado or something was coming, I would take my sandwich with me to the shelter.

There are crumbs everywhere. This is very annoying, as I am the only one around here who eats bread, and I clean up after myself. So Molly, why are there crumbs on the counter after dinner? It’s his fault–he cooks dinner with panko a lot. Right, Right. Always blame the husband. Yes! It’s always the husband who is the murderer. Why they even investigate murders is a waste of money, because it’s always the husband. But wait–sometimes it’s the wife, to be accurate. Yeah, but the wife always has logical cause.

My God. I just realized that I will go to my deathbed unable to believe how old I am.

This is so embarrassing. I just learned that I have been mispronouncing “Bona fide” and “Kudos” my entire life. I wonder what other words I have used in public and embarrassed myself. Well, you did say “DET rit us” once before being corrected. Oh, right. I wanted to crawl into a hole.

Every peach and plum you buy at the grocery store is terrible. Yes, but not to forget TOMATOES. Why do they even sell them? Who are the optimists who buy them? Molly, you bought one last week.

You always look at yourself sideways in the mirror to check to see if you are fat. This is probably stupid–it’s the rear view that is telling. Yes and that is why I always look at myself sideways.

I wonder how popcorn became the go-to at the movies. And people always get it, even at the 7:00 showing, right after dinner. Or do they just plan for it and skip dinner for the popcorn? But popcorn isn’t filling. So I guess they go home and have a sandwich or something at 10:30? I could lean over and ask someone, but that would be rude.

Do you realize that you have had this tee shirt for 40 years? So should I give it to Goodwill? Molly. What thrift shopper would want your 40 year old shirt? Well, it has a picture of John Lennon on it! I rest my case. It also has a hole under the arm. Throw it away. Wait. John might make a good dust cloth. You find it hard to divest, don’t you, Molly? Yes. Yes, I do.

If Ina Garten says “How easy is that?” One more time, I might have to kill her. But it would be sort of cool to be the person who invents a catch phrase. Oh, and what about the people who say “My motto is…” followed by an actual motto? You don’t have a motto. You could sit down for an hour and concentrate, but you could not come up with a motto. So you begrudge Ina? Yes, I do, because she says that in her zillion dollar “studio kitchen,” with a crew of dozens to chop all her ingredients and clean up after her. Of course it’s easy.

When times get tough, Hell, they are already tough and awful, just think of Taylor and Travis. Or a cat. Or Taylor’s cats. You don’t have any pictures of Taylor, Travis, Taylor and Travis, or any of Taylor’s cats, you know. I know. But any cat will do right now.