Daily horoscope for Aries
This will be a good day for you. You will find your reading glasses. Your spouse will be in a good mood because it will be in the 80’s today instead of so hot that the dog needs to wear booties while walking. Have corn on the cob and hot dogs for dinner. Don’t spit watermelon seeds on the deck.
Daily horoscope for Taurus
My God, stop complaining! Nobody at the grocery store will notice that pimple; they are all worrying about their own damn blemishes. Avoid exercise today; the barometric pressure has arthritis written all over it. You might make a new friend. But you might not.
Daily horoscope for Gemini
Good news and bad news. The good news is that your neighbor’s tomato plants are loaded, and they left today for the weekend. Stock up. The bad news: Watch for cops on the Interstate; they all have hangovers from the Policeman’s Ball, and they are out for blood.
Daily horoscope for Cancer
This is a horrible sign. Nobody wants Cancer.
Daily horoscope for Leo
You might meet a friend from the past today, so wear your good pants and stand up straight. It might be a friend you once dated, so leave your partner at home and take money with you in case that friend wants to “have coffee.” Take a shower, just in case.
Daily horoscope for Virgo
You may think you are fooling everybody, but it is obvious that your eyebrows are tattooed. So don’t get cocky. Today would be a good day to take all those old jeans in the trunk of your car to Goodwill. Call your mother.
Daily horoscope for Libra
Wear a bib if you order lobster at the restaurant tonight; you fool yourself if you think you can eat it without slopping melted butter on your Ralph Lauren polo. Don’t order dessert–my God, the melted butter alone is 1000 calories. You will ask the waiter for a box and then leave it on the table.
Daily horoscope for Scorpio
Today is a good day to start breaking destructive habits. Stop checking your Instagram account at the movies. Chew with your mouth closed. Try to only use the “F” word when you are home alone.
Daily horoscope for Sagittarius
Take it easy today. You might throw your back out. It might be a good idea to look for that heating pad up in the attic. Be sure to wear your bike helmet. Don’t even think of going bowling. And let the vacuuming go for another day. It wouldn’t hurt to take two Tylenol before you leave the house. Better yet, stay home and take a nap.
Daily horoscope for Capricorn
Romance is in the air. Is your pet spayed or neutered? Because one female cat can have two hundred kittens in her lifetime. This is a true fact, not fake news. So do the right thing for your animal and your community. As it applies to you, make sure you use deodorant today; the opportunity for bonking might arise (pun might be intended)
Daily horoscope for Aquarius
It’s a good day for making amends. Go ahead and apologize to your mother for never responding to her texts.
Daily horoscope for Pisces
Does it ever occur to you to take out the trash without being asked? How many days have you worn the same socks? Get it together, you slob! Today would be a good day to change up your attitude along with your socks. Look at yourself in the mirror and repeat “I will stop ignoring my mom’s texts” ten times.
Have a good day out there.
