Archives August 2025

We have all thought about this. What is with nicknames? A nickname is supposed to be “short” for someone’s first name. Yes. Like “Nick,” for Nicolas.

But so many do not work that way. Where in the heck did “Peggy” come from? Margaret has no “peg” in it anywhere.  Yes, I can see “Margie,” or “Marg.” Perhaps “Meg.” But “Peggy?” And while we are at it, my name, “MOLLY,” is supposed to be a nickname for Mary. I don’t understand. This is a pet peeve. If I had a nickel for every time someone asked me if my name is really Mary, I could buy a Starbucks every single day.

And my God. “Bob” has nothing to do with Robert. “Rob” does, but who decided to put the B in there? Oh, I can go on. “Bill.” No B in William.

“DICK” for Richard???? And of course, where and when did that nickname become associated with a genital?

If your name is James, then why “Jack?” Both one syllable. What is gained by this? And “Fanny” for Francis? Insulting. Get this: “Nancy” is a nickname for Anne. A two syllable nickname for a one syllable name? Who invented this?

Let’s talk about “Hank.” Or “Harry.” What’s wrong with Henry???

You catch my drift.

So here are some just as ridiculous nicknames I invented:

Marcia–Let’s nickname her “Sophie.” Why not?

I see no reason not to call Bernard “Bill.” There’s a B in there, right?

I would like to call Martin “Shroeder.” Just as logical as any other nickname.

If a girl is named Penelope, I think “Penny” is too typical. So everybody should call her “Elo.” It’s IN THERE.

Now, there is another whole school of nicknames for kids that sprang from nowhere, or a mispronunciation of the name, or an endearing moniker. This is very common. It is not stupid, really. It is totally understandable and widely accepted.

My first child,”Tweeny,” might disagree.

I don’t know what I have been thinking. I stayed on a strict Weight Watchers regimen for two years. I didn’t weigh myself or anything, just counted points and chugged along. Nothing seemed to be happening.

Then I went in for my physical and discovered I had lost those pesky thirteen  pounds. I was elated fleetingly, until I went in to one of those stores where you get new glasses frames.

I picked out my frames, and the stock person came out of the back room holding them. I was across the store. “These are for Mrs. Campbell,” she said in a soft voice to one of her co-workers. The co-worker tipped her head in my direction, saying, in a not so sotto voice, “She’s the one over there in the baggy pants.”

I have been wearing the same size  pants for years. Granted they have gotten tight at times, but now they fit fine. I thought.

But when the same day I met my daughter for lunch, and she remarked, “Are those pants size 16 or something? They’re huge.” I guess I haven’t really studied myself in a full length mirror lately.

When I got home, I asked my husband: do you think these pants are too baggy? Do they look dumpy?”

He looked at me seriously and simply nodded.

“They look dumpy? I look dumpy?”

He shrugged and said, “You haven’t noticed that all your pants look like that? Like you got them off the wrong rack at Goodwill?”

I just got 3 new pairs of pants from Old Navy. I tried them on tonight. I LOOK DUMPY.

This is how being an old person hits you. One day you are fine, chic, and stylish, and then you wake up one morning and you are suddenly dumpy. GOODWILL DUMPY.

Back to Old Navy where my fear is that the next size down will be too tight, and so I will have to remain dumpy.

sigh

Daily horoscope for Aries

This will be a good day for you. You will find your reading glasses. Your spouse will be in a good mood because it will be in the 80’s today instead of so hot that the dog needs to wear booties while walking. Have corn on the cob and hot dogs for dinner. Don’t spit watermelon seeds on the deck.

Daily horoscope for Taurus

My God, stop complaining! Nobody at the grocery store will notice that pimple; they are all worrying about their own damn blemishes. Avoid exercise today; the barometric pressure has arthritis written all over it. You might make a new friend. But you might not.

Daily horoscope for Gemini

Good news and bad news. The good news is that your neighbor’s tomato plants are loaded, and they left today for the weekend. Stock up. The bad news: Watch for cops on the Interstate; they all have hangovers from the Policeman’s Ball, and they are out for blood.

Daily horoscope for Cancer

This is a horrible sign. Nobody wants Cancer.

Daily horoscope for Leo

You might meet a friend from the past today, so wear your good pants and stand up straight. It might be a friend you once dated, so leave your partner at home and take money with you in case that friend wants to “have coffee.” Take a shower, just in case.

Daily horoscope for Virgo

You may think you are fooling everybody, but it is obvious that your eyebrows are tattooed. So don’t get cocky. Today would be a good day to take all those old jeans in the trunk of your car to Goodwill. Call your mother.

Daily horoscope for Libra

Wear a bib if you order lobster at the restaurant tonight; you fool yourself if you think you can eat it without slopping melted butter on your Ralph Lauren polo. Don’t order dessert–my God, the melted butter alone is 1000 calories. You will ask the waiter for a box and then leave it on the table.

Daily horoscope for Scorpio

Today is a good day to start breaking destructive habits. Stop checking your Instagram account at the movies. Chew with your mouth closed. Try to only use the “F” word when you are home alone.

Daily horoscope for Sagittarius

Take it easy today. You might throw your back out. It might be a good idea to look for that heating pad up in the attic. Be sure to wear your bike helmet. Don’t even think of going bowling. And let the vacuuming go for another day. It wouldn’t hurt to take two Tylenol before you leave the house. Better yet, stay home and take a nap.

Daily horoscope for Capricorn

Romance is in the air. Is your pet spayed or neutered? Because one female cat can have two hundred kittens in her lifetime. This is a true fact, not fake news. So do the right thing for your animal and your community.  As it applies to you, make sure you use deodorant today; the opportunity for bonking might arise (pun might be intended)

Daily horoscope for Aquarius

It’s a good day for making amends. Go ahead and apologize to your mother for never responding to her texts.

Daily horoscope for Pisces

Does it ever occur to you to take out the trash without being asked? How many days have you worn the same socks? Get it together, you slob! Today would be a good day to change up your attitude along with your socks. Look at yourself in the mirror and repeat “I will stop ignoring my mom’s texts” ten times.

Have a good day out there.