STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS

STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS

Why does it get boring every afternoon around three? Are naps things that everyone takes but nobody admits? Do people who see me in the elevator think I am old? How come pedicures last so much longer than manicures?

Why are YouTube videos so engrossing? Do my daughters spend as much time on their phones as I do? Do other people get all of their news on Social Media? Is the election going to happen before the world ends?

What does the tooth emoji mean? What if I want to use the eggplant emoji to mean an actual eggplant? What does FWIW mean? Have they stopped using LOL? Why do they have ads on all the streaming services now?

I am in favor of “intuitive eating,” even though I am not sure what it is. Popcorn is addictive, I do know that. Since I started eating so much fruit, ice cream seems too sweet. Most people cook corn on the cob too long. Butter spray is actually pretty good.

Thirty minutes of exercise a day is enough for a person to lose two pounds a month without changing their diet. Even if you eat a lot of popcorn. Ten thousand steps a day is ridiculous. I can’t do the Asian squat.

Can you divorce the artist from the art, even if the artist is Woody Allen? I never really cared for Alice Munro. Elon Musk is a nut job, but if they had charging stations in our parking lot, I might get a Tesla. I think I read somewhere that Dr. Seuss was a racist. Goodnight Moon is a very scary book; I never read it to my children…

I know people who won’t get colonoscopies because of the prep. Men should do breast exams on themselves. I couldn’t spell diarrhea until I worked for a veterinarian. If a cat vomits, it’s probably ok, but if a dog does, you should worry. I once started reading a novel that mentioned “adult breastfeeding,” and so I returned it to the library.

I have lived in this apartment for five years, but I have never dusted the Venetian blinds. If you brush your cat daily, you won’t have fur balls on all the rugs. I almost never brush my cat. Declawing cats is illegal in California, but it’s because of Gavin Newsom. I wish he were running for President. But President Biden is not too old; he just stutters. And the news is disastrous daily; now they are shooting at one and trying to drive out the other one. Americans are reeling.

You should not put butter on sandwiches. Mayo is what you should use. Mustard is good, but only Dijon. When I was in grade school, my mom packed me a bologna sandwich and an apple every day for lunch until I gagged in the lunchroom. I told her, and from then on, she bought me a lunch box with a thermos and I got soup and Franco American spaghetti for lunch. I went from crap lunches to gourmet lunches, and I hated both. All I wanted was the occasional Frito and maybe a tangerine.

I can’t text with my thumbs; I make too many mistakes. How do the kids do this? What is Snapchat? Is there some woman named Ashley Madison? What is Roblox? Do you have to use hashtags?

Should I start vlogging? What IS a vlog?