I am a nester. That means I love my house. I worship at the altar of accessories. I collect things. I arrange things. I LOVE things!

There must be a lot of people out there just like me, because they formed AN ENTIRE TV NETWORK for us!! House and Garden Television is our beacon in the wilderness of disarray, our guide to home happiness, and our indicator of just what we need to do to keep our homes stylish, beautiful, and our real estate values up.

So what is my beef? After watching countless hours of HGTV, I have noticed a few things that make me feel that perhaps the network doesn’t really reflect the way most of us live:

Does everyone in America have granite countertops? Evidently, if you don’t have granite in your kitchen, no one will ever buy your house. Ever. And why does any manufacturer even make white appliances? Because according to HGTV, white appliances suck, and everyone knows it. And tile? You can use tile in your kitchen, as long as it is subway tile and not on the floor.

According to my favorite show, “Househunters,” homes that lack master suites are going nowhere. I don’t mean master bedrooms. To have a decent house these days, your main bedroom has to be HUGE, with some kind of fancy ceiling that is at least two stories high. Your closet better be big enough for a pool table. And if you have to leave your bedroom and go out into the hall in order to enter your bathroom, you won’t be able to RENT your house, much less sell it. Was your house built over ten years ago? TRAGIC.

And what about that bathroom? These days, homebuyers feel affronted if they have to stand in the tub to take a shower. One sink? Are you kidding? Today’s HGTV buyers need 1.3 sinks per bathroom per person. Heated floors are a must. Shower curtains are tacky, every shower must have at least five heads, and if the tub lacks jets, well, you can just forget it.

Do you have a larger foyer in your house? Good. Is it at least two floors high, with a balcony overlooking it? Do you have a winding staircase? Is there marble somewhere—the more, the better? Is there a chandelier? No? Well, shame on you.

Who is buying these homes for half a million dollars a pop? According to HGTV, it is young couples in their twenties. No children. And most of them are shopping for their first homes. These buyers are looking for space and lots of it—invariably, when asked to comment on houses they have just toured, one of them whines that “it was a nice house, but just a little too SMALL.”

Maybe this programming will change as a reflection of the economy. I can only hope. But I have to go on record to say that I am now living in my dream house. It has a beautiful kitchen which I had A DESIGNER plan for me. My Formica countertops are very nice. The white appliances meet my needs just great, and they all work! I have a stove that is not for restaurants. My entry hall has a ceiling height of about eight feet. The master bath has just one sink, and I really like the shower curtain that I bought at Target.

We raised a great family in this house. If the walls could talk, they would tell you about the time we tried to put a Christmas tree in the front hall, but when it was all decorated, we realized that you couldn’t open the front door. They would tell you about the time right after we moved in when we ordered pizza and ate it while sitting on the floor in the dining room. About the family dinners at the kitchen table (no island) where someone laughed so hard that the milk came out of you know where. Oh yes, and the souvenirs we have found from past owners: canceled checks from 1920, tickets to the Yale football game in the fall of 1936, a pair of antique spectacles.

Now don’t get me started on the FOOD NETWORK……

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