THE LIST

We haven’t exchanged gifts for years, preferring to spend the money on our kids and grandkids. But this year is different; we will be here just the two of us. So damn it, we want to be festive and happy. I bet many of you feel the same way. So we are exchanging gifts, and I have spent a good portion of my time thinking about what to put on my list.

Here is a list of things that I won’t include.

  • Linen sheets. They cost an arm and a leg. I got them once a long time ago, and the directions said not to bleach them, not to put them in the dryer, and to iron them. I tried that two times, and then proceeded to the bleaching and the drying. I did try the ironing one time, though–keep in mind these were king bed sheets. The dog fell asleep on what pooled on the floor beneath the ironing board, thus ruining the entire enterprise. And yes, all the bleaching and drying caused the arm and the leg (see above) to tear a large hole in the sheets. Linen sheets are just pretentious; who are we kidding, trying to live large?
  • Macarons. They look like puffy pastel Oreos. Again, the pretentiousness. Have an Oreo.
  • In the time of COVID, we are all lonely, but I think monogrammed personal massagers are taking things to a level where I just don’t care to go.
  • All the curated lists I see on my newsfeed list mention wine. Aerators. Fancy carafes to put it in before you drink it. Wine coasters. Let me just state the obvious: during lockdowns, anything that delays the time between opening the wine and drinking the wine is a complete waste of time.
  • Face creams that come in tiny little jars and retail for more than $15. Now? As if any other human besides your spouse will be looking at you closely until 2022? Use Vaseline.
  • Calendars. Who needs a calendar??
  • Light Saber Chopsticks. Look them up on Amazon…
  • Street clothes. Office wear. I know, we worry about the economy and keeping retail going, but anybody who goes out of the house wearing a blazer or a bow tie is absolutely heading for a COVID infection at their destination.

So what will I ask for that is safe, desirable, affordable, and easy to gift wrap?

Chocolate.

 

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