Dear Mrs. Campbell:
All of us here at CNN appreciate your concern. We know how hard it is to discern between “fake news” and the real thing these days. We understand your confusion between facts and alternate facts. As a matter of “fact,” you are the 307,9981st person to write to us about this. For your convenience, here are some guidelines we hope you might find useful when checking your Facebook and Twitter feeds, the prime source of news in America these days:
- If the source of the news article is “The Idiot Damn Left,” chances are there is a 400 lb. person sitting on the bed composing that article, according to the current administration. You might want to do a bit of fact checking.
- Sean Spicer is not called “Spicey.” By anybody in the same room with him.
- The Ice Bucket challenge is over.
- Cutting and pasting a post about cancer and leaving it up on your feed for an hour will actually not cure anything.
- There are not millions of voters who rode the bus in from Central America to vote in the election. There are no buses that run from Central America to Dayton, Ohio. The dead people are also not voting. The Walking Dead is a TV show. We know the current administration likes TV shows, so perhaps that is the source of the confusion here.
- An “alternative fact” is actually not a fact. The citizens of Bowling Green are all still alive as of today.
- If the person posting the tweet’s user name is @frigginthewhitehouse, the tweet probably has a liberal slant. If the person posting the tweet’s user name is @kellyanneRULES, you can assume that tweeter is Republican.
- We aren’t really sure what a “leightweight chocker” is, but apparently, Marco Rubio is one of those, according to the administration. We do know, however, that the word “honered” is actually spelled “honored.” That is a fact.
- If a tweet is posted by our current Commander in Chief between the hours of midnight and four a.m., we suggest you fact check it.
- If anyone employed by the current administration retweets it, it might be a good idea to fact check the original tweet as well.
- Mitch McConnell has no sense of humor. He is NOT the University of Maryland’s mascot. Those tweets are not factual. Mr. McConnell isn’t laughing.
Mrs. Campbell, our suggestion to you is to take a break from social media for awhile. The weather is nice in Ohio (yes, Global Warming does exist) despite the fact that it is February. Perhaps you might take a long walk. Try to focus on the news that isn’t confusing to you for the time being: The Clooneys are having twins! Burt Reynolds is 81! Betty White isn’t dead!
Thank you for your letter, Mrs. Campbell. We sincerely hope you feel better soon. You may have to wait four years, but in the scope of the universe, four years is just the blink of an eye.
Sincerely, the folks at CNN
NOTE: This letter is fiction. No, wait–it’s factually alternative…