PLAGUES AND SCOURGES

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Fall in Ohio is lovely, with the foliage, all the Halloween decorations displayed on porches, the hayrides, and the pumpkin spice everything, I have always loved the Fall. Then something happened to almost ruin everything. You know what I am talking about if you live on the Eastern side of the US: the crapulous Stinkbug.

It came over here from Asia on a container ship, I heard. And it proceeded to spread far and wide. I think before long it will be all over America. And here is the thing: if it stayed outside, I would be fine with it, despite the fact that it devastates some crop or other–I am not a farmer, so I can be cavalier about that. It doesn’t like the cold (see Asia, above), and so it manages to show up in large numbers all over my house as the temps drop. It can crawl in from the tiniest crack, apparently.

Stinkbugs fly. They drone like bumblebees. They are the size of dimes, and they land on things like windowsills, curtains, crown molding, and here’s the thing: my glasses frames while I am sitting minding my own business. And they scare the holy Hell out of me.

They smell bad.

And when I am in bed with the lights out, and I hear that telltale droning, I imagine one landing on my eyelids, my mouth, or crawling into my ear. It is absolutely terrifying.

The internet is rife with solutions, but let me tell you, I have tried them all, and none of them work. That half-liter soda bottle with the LED light? Totally  ineffective. Soapy water? Maybe, if you want to spend all of your time walking around your house holding a spray bottle. Poison spray? It doesn’t really permeate their armor-like exteriors, and it is dangerous to pets.

So what do you do? You catch them with a Kleenex and flush them, while using any profanities you wish, because all niceties can be ignored when dealing with stinkbugs. I prefer using the F word as a prefix to my maternal parent, if you catch my drift.

If you live in Canada, don’t be smug. They are coming.

 

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