TO ALL FELINES:
I am aware that there has been a traumatic upheaval that has shaken all of you to the core. Although I in no way represent the Trump for President campaign, I feel that someone must issue an apology to all of you who are losing your winter coats in vast quantities due to stress. Furballs are at an all-time high, and I have been told that vomiting levels have increased all over America. The following bullet points will serve, I hope, to get you to retract your claws and begin purring once more.
- Donald Trump was, unfortunately, referring to a part of a woman’s anatomy. For some reason, he thinks that he can grab that. To be perfectly clear, he must never grab that. It’s a crime. Furthermore, I think I am speaking for the entire American feline population in saying that there is not a cat or kitten in this great country of ours that would like to be grabbed by Donald Trump, either.
- None of you are expected to sit on Donald Trump’s lap, at any time. It has not been made public if the Trumps have any pets, but we feel sure that if Melania and Barron have a Siamese or a Persian, that those kitties are avoiding Donald like the plague and peeing in Donald’s bedroom slippers.
- Cats of America, you know that you outnumber dogs as the pet of choice in this country. Thus, Mr. Trump picked the wrong group to insult with his lewd commentary. The majority of American cats are not declawed–just saying.
- We who live with cats apologize to our favorite animals. We want to assure you that we are all in complete agreement with Michelle Obama, and we love you.
- We also hope that in the weeks left before the election, catnip sales soar.
- Go forth and scratch some Republicans!