I just saw a Facebook post about a family who eats just two things: steak and pemmican. They drink only water. That is all.

I have so many thoughts.

This family and quite a few others follow the “no carb” lifestyle. I understand low carbs. I am limited on carbs myself. But NO carbs? Let me just begin to sort out my many observations, all of them followed by exclamation points in my head.

First of all, these people say that eating only steak and pemmican cures all sorts of diseases. I am dubious, because the idea of eating only steak and pemmican makes me sick.

By the way, do you know what pemmican is? Well, first you dry some meat: buffalo, beef, lamb. I suppose the no carb folks use steak. Then you pound it into a powder, add melted fat (beef, I bet), and then maybe some berries. Then you dry it, cut it up, and then somehow choke it down. Did I mention that these people have children? Can you imagine the incredulity in the school lunch room? “What is that stuff that Moonbeam has in her lunch? It looks like dog poop…” I think most of the no-carbers home school.

The no-carb families eat only one meal a day. This makes complete sense to me, because I can’t even imagine eating steak three times in one day without gagging. So they eat one huge meal in the evening. And I simply can’t envision that, either. Oh, and they don’t use spices. It gets worse and worse.

For no-carbers, there is no such thing as a snack. Because really, to make a snack would entail starting up the grill, throwing on a steak, and then bringing it in, slicing it up, and serving it. Oh, right. Cold steak. Nothing like going to the ballgame and pulling a packet of cold steak out of your pocket to snack on. Or sitting at the movie, munching on those cold steak cubes you brought from home.

Let’s talk constipation. I wonder how all that meat passes through the system without stopping. Perhaps all the fat in the steak (they like it very well marbled) tends to slide it all through. But maybe the no-carbers eat steak, water, and Ex-Lax.

I wonder if the no-carb people allow their children to have friends. Because one play date at the neighbor’s, and I would think those no-carb children would think they had died and gone to heaven. Imagine how it would be to taste a GRAPE after all that steak? Not to mention Popsicles. I would think running away from home would be rampant in no-carb families. There would have to be a lot of brainwashing: “Grapes are evil. Popsicles cause cancer. Mrs. Jones doesn’t really love her children, and that is why they have a crock pot.”

The more time I spend on the internet, the more weird people with weird beliefs come to my attention. I am flabbergasted. I have to admit, however, that I am just waiting to discover a cult that claims that household dust and furballs prevent cancer. I will jump right onto that bandwagon.

Gotta go—my pemmican is almost ready..

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