ZEN THINGS

Do one thing at a time. Like don’t try to drink coffee at the same time that you are brushing your teeth.

Do things slowly and deliberately. This is very Zen. It is also ridiculous, because everybody knows that loading the dishwasher slowly and deliberately just encourages the dog to dive right in there and start licking things. And some dogs are just too stupid to avoid the steak knives.

Do it completely. Oh, like don’t stop putting on deodorant after just one armpit.

Do less. Now this is something I can wrap my Zen head around. While lying in bed.

Put space between things. I am not really sure what this means. Should I make my husband sleep in the guest room? Or do I just take a long break between vacuuming and taking out the trash?

Develop rituals. Excellent! I have started to lift my sandwich up in the air and chant “only use Poupon,” “only use Poupon,” before I place it on the table in front of the TV and nod three times before booting up Househunters International.

Designate time for certain things. I am so Zen. I take my nap at three o’clock every afternoon.  And I reserve Sunday nights for exfoliating.

Smile and serve others. Most baristas are very Zen. In my case, I do find it hard to grin when I am serving up mac and cheese.

Make cleaning and cooking become meditation. Wait a minute. Who is this guru? A man? What about mowing the lawn? Using that nostril hair trimmer? Let’s have some equal opportunity meditation, here.

Think about what is necessary. It is necessary that I get a pedicure once a month. And very necessary that nobody (you know who you are) gives me the stinkeye for having popcorn in bed at midnight.

Live simply. Wait. If anybody expects me to turn off the air conditioner and live “off the grid” and make my own pasta? Not gonna happen.

Zen is highly overrated. I am just sayin’.

 

 

 

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