I hate my laptop. It is a relic, really. I got it a year ago. It is so slow! My God, when I want to watch a video, it takes what seems like YEARS to download! I mean, really—if I have to wait sixty seconds for something to watch, it is absolutely not worth watching, you know what I mean?
I used to read newspapers. I remember back in the day. I would have to make a cup of coffee, sit down for an entire Sunday morning and leaf through the New York Times. Now I have it on a compilation website. I love it. The site is customized to my interests. I stuffed it full of my faves: The NY Times, Salon, Slate, Mashable, CuteOverload, The Atlantic, Time, CNN, The New Yorker, Thought Catalog, BlogHer, and Huffington Post. I think I have some recipe sites in there somewhere, as well.
And guess what? I can pound all of that down in the time that it takes me to yawn. Well, slight exaggeration. I use my iPhone for this activity (reading while yawning). Yes, the print is tiny, but the darn phone is so fast. It downloads videos almost instantly. Google something? You find it before you finish typing in what you want. YouTube? I could spend minutes on this site!
But here is the thing: my actual life is so draggy. I timed it this morning: it took four freaking minutes for my toast to pop up! And good Lord—what is with microwaves? They are as slow as molasses! It takes a full two minutes and forty seconds for me to heat up my cold brewed coffee. I use cold brew, because you do it the night before. So you don’t have to wait for perking or dripping, which is like eternity first thing in the morning.
Politics? Easy Peasy. You watch a thirty second public service (ahem?) announcement, and immediately know what Senator So-And-So has done blatantly wrong, and why you should vote for Joe Shenanigans to replace him. Who needs to watch Bill Moyers or those other pundits? They did cut Moyers down from an hour to a half hour, though. I guess to make him more user-friendly. But really—who has an entire half hour for this stuff?
And cooking? Are you kidding? My oven hasn’t seen the light of day in years. This is due to the deli counter at my store selling gourmet dinners. They even have them with an entrée and two sides and everything! All you do is take them home and eat them. Well, I do put them on real plates before I blast them in the micro—because, you know. A home cooked meal.
What is the down side of all this? My God. I am incredibly bored all the time. I have done everything I want to do by noon. And I am a late sleeper! Honestly, I can follow the news, tweet incredibly interesting little tidbits to the world, post ten pictures of my grandson on Facebook, stop by the store and the bank, Swiff around my living room, and pop all the deli cartons of food into the fridge, and then I look around, kind of lost.
My world now consists of hundreds of tiny bytes of activity. Each one accomplished faster than the one before. We have labor and time saving technology that is incredible. And it turns us all into impatiently vile, bored and shiftless people.
I think I need to calm down. I need a snack. But good grief, the instructions on the microwave popcorn bag say it takes two and a half minutes. Ridiculous. I could make an entire sandwich by then! And who does that?