Articles abound on how to keep your marriage going. “Ten Tips for a Happy Marriage,” “How to Keep the Love Alive After Twenty Years,” “Stay Sexy: How to Rekindle that Bedroom Fire,” and my favorite, “Love is Always Having to Say You’re Sorry.”

Those have all been written. But they don’t address one very important issue. One that we all face. One that, if handled correctly, will keep your spouse so happy. It concerns what goes on in every family room in middle America. In families who have at least one iPad, two iPhones, Twitter, and Facebook.

HIM: So you decided that you need to paint the kitchen.

HER: Yes, that is what I just posted on Facebook.

HIM: Joe Smith has a new car.

HER: I know. He is my Facebook friend, too.

HIM: Ah, you think that Bob Costas has pinkeye.

HER: Yes. I just tweeted that.

HIM: The cat that jumps in all the boxes has a new kitten friend.

HER: I KNOW! I am the one who posted that video. Why do you insist on reading me my own Facebook and Twitter feeds out loud? Do you think I somehow missed them?

HIM:  I am just trying to make conversation.

HER: By reading me my own social media feeds? Isn’t there anything interesting on your Facebook timeline?

HIM:  Well, I don’t really use Facebook. I just check in to see what you are saying.

HER: I AM SITTING RIGHT HERE! You can have an actual conversation with me! You don’t need to recite my Facebook feed! And you don’t even Tweet, so why you are on Twitter at all is a total mystery.

HIM: I like to see what you Tweet.

HER:  So you can read it back to me?

HIM:  I don’t know why you are so huffy.

HER: (sighing)

HIM: Oh, our daughter says that it is 65 degrees today in Los Angeles.

HER: OMG, now you are going to read all of the group text messages OUT LOUD also?

HIM:  (picking up the newspaper) “ARCTIC COLD CONTINUES…”

So, for all those couples out there who have been married for over twenty years? You empty nesters?  The key to a happy marriage?

One of you should keep your day job. Forever.

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11 Responses to PHONING IT IN

  1. Lesley says:

    OMG! We have these conversations too! Sometimes we talk to each other on FB, while we are in the same room! Sad really!

  2. Eileen says:

    This is perfection! And probably happening in many living rooms across the world. For the record, the LOML and I are known to lean against opposite counters in our kitchen, phones in our hands, and text each other. So it can happen in the kitchen, too, apparently. I guess when it starts happening in the bedroom that we might need to start to worry. 😉 Love this!

  3. Barb Best says:

    Funny! You can’t say he isn’t listening :-) “HIM: I like to see what you Tweet.”

  4. Barbara says:

    So funny! My husband does that too. At least we know where our stalkers live:)

  5. Aliza says:

    Ahahahahahahaha – Even better – my husband assumes I’ve seen everything he has, even though we have different friends. HIM: So, what’s going on with so-and-so? ME: ???? HIM: What SO-AND-SO said. On FACEBOOK. ME: I didn’t see it/I’m not friends with so-and-so. HIM: (exasperated because now he has to fill me in.)

  6. Molly says:

    It’s apparently a universal phenomenon!

  7. My husband and I were once sitting next to each other at a boring dinner. We texted each other through the speeches. It was actually quite bonding. That was year: 9. I guess we are still heading towards greater social media experiences in year 15!

  8. CF Winn says:

    Laughed so hard through this post that I had to share it with everyone I could. Well done!
    Although I am single, I have this same situation with my kids, but it usually goes like this:

    Me: Hey guys there’s this really funny video…
    Them: Mom that was on Tumblr like 8 months ago
    Me: Hey guys did you hear that…
    Them: SMH Mom! You are so out of touch! We heard about that a week ago!


  9. M. J. Kelley says:

    Ha, this is great. And true.

  10. Andrea says:

    Yes. Yes. Yes. My husband is actually never allowed to quit his job. Ever.

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