NEW OLD WIVES

It is about time that we do something about Old Wives’ Tales. All those old wives died eons ago. Their tales no longer resonate with anybody. But we all need something to cling to in these days of the one percent, global warming, and falling real estate values. So I have taken it upon myself to give the world some New Wives’ Tales. You can thank me later.

Feed a cold. Feed a fever. Feed a headache. Feed a divorce. Feed a traffic jam. Feeding should involve chocolate. 

When in doubt, send it in a text message, because with caller ID, your children never answer when you call, anyway. 

If your doctor calls you by your first name when you are naked, ask him to take off his pants. 

If you can’t say anything nice, then talk about the Polar Vortex. 

You can judge a book by its cover. This is why it is never a good idea to go to a job interview wearing sweats. 

Don’t hide your light under a bushel. Nobody knows what bushels are, so they wouldn’t know if there were lights under it. They would be too busy saying “What is that thing over there?” 

If you lust after diamonds, go ahead. 

Always carry dental floss in your purse. 

Blood may be thicker than water, but really, who cares? 

Breath mints were invented for a reason. 

Call your mother. 

Always remember to leave a tip. The wait staff has a million ways to make you sorry you didn’t. 

There is no such thing as a crazy cat lady. 

I could go on and on, but I have to change the world one blog post at a time. And if you break a mirror, just go out and get a new one. Wait, I may be confusing the old wives with Benjamin Franklin. No matter; he is dead as well…

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