CLASSIFIED ADS, 2014

For Sale:  One perfectly good superego. Especially good for creating guilt in the owner. Best used when sick but not quite sick enough to preclude vacuuming or going to the grocery store. Would be happy to exchange for a slightly worn id. Preferably one that leans toward chocolate and sleeping in.

For Sale:  Non clumping cat litter. Never used. Because clumping cat litter was invented. Will take any reasonable offer.

For Sale or Trade:  Three beautiful and melodic Accordions. They are very loud; no amplification equipment needed. Would take in exchange one harp or a nice, non-electric guitar. Willing to throw in an extensive library of polka sheet music. Will accept any reasonable cash offer. Or even a measly cash offer.

For Sale:  Twenty pairs of khaki pants, size 10 Women’s, from L.L. Bean. Classics. I think Katherine Hepburn favored these. Also willing to part with five pairs of slightly worn white Keds tie sneakers size ten–also a la Hepburn. Really, these are very chic, but have to go to make way for black leggings and assorted tunic tops, which do a better job of hiding midriff bulge. This is a great deal for any woman beyond age 60 who still has svelte figure and aspirations of being known as eccentric. Will let go for bargain basement prices. Also for sale: Sixteen white cotton blouses with stand-up collars.

For Lease:  Assorted cats. Very affectionate. Purr on demand. House trained, but have been known to spray urine on every baseboard they encounter. Extremely stylish. Good for Instagram shots. They hardly ever shed. Will consider long term lease or an exchange for a parrot with extensive vocabulary.

For sale:  Encylopedic cookbook collection. Only a few have burn marks. Ever wanted to make Haggis or Baked Alaska? Contact me. I have what you need.

For Sale, or maybe Free:  One nearly new yoga mat, one giant exercise ball, two sets of free weights (five, ten, and yes, {what was I thinking} twenty pounds). Complete with instruction booklets and DVD workout videos. Never viewed. Willing to throw in a Prancercise video, two old Jane Fonda VCR tapes, and a vegan recipe book. Also willing to part with a boxed set of Weight Watchers point counter manuals.

Happy New Year. Resolutions? See above.

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