STAR POWER

Life is tough for celebrities. They have to wear sunglasses, even at the movies. They must miss so much of what is on the screen. But I guess they don’t actually go to the movies. Celebs have those media rooms. But they must have to go out sometimes. And then they have to put on the Ray Bans, wear nondescript clothing, and skulk around.

I am sure that nobody who eventually becomes famous actually starts out shunning the public. At first, they must strut around, making themselves conspicuous, doing things like talking just a little too loud, saying things like, “Well, at the shoot the other day, it took five takes for the love scene…” or when their phones ring, “I have to take this: it’s my agent.”

But just think about it. Soon enough, all that thrill of being “somebody” must wear off. Going out to get the mail results in unflattering pictures in the next day’s tabloids. Sunbathing on a seemingly deserted island while naked gets onto the internet faster than you can say “Google.” Fans want autographs all the time. You can’t have an affair without them talking about it on “Entertainment Tonight.”

Good grief. Any woman who has had a baby knows how hard it is to lose weight afterwards. But if you are a rock star or Gwyneth Paltrow, you better look skinny real fast, or they will skewer you in People magazine! I bet famous women don’t breast feed for very long, because they have to go on starvation diets immediately after delivery, and that isn’t good for milk production.

All of this has to get old. No wonder Adele bought a huge mansion in the English countryside, surrounded by hundreds of wooded acres. No furniture in it, but at least she can take a bath without somebody looking through a zoom lens into her bathroom. I bet it gets lonely in there—just Adele, twelve empty bedrooms, and her platinum records.

I have never wanted to be famous, myself. I go out too often in mismatched clothing. If I don’t wear makeup, I look kind of pale and sick. And these days, it takes longer and longer for me to put enough makeup on in order to look three years younger and healthy.

So now that I have published a book, I would love for you to buy it. I hope it becomes a best seller, actually. But I don’t want to become a celeb. Really. So if you happen to read my book and then recognize me in the grocery store, just walk past. And pretend you don’t notice the stain on my sweatpants.

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