FOOD AS CURRENCY

I seem to be obsessed with food lately. It is probably because the abdominal chubbiness that came on a few years ago just refuses to budge. Despite all of my attempts to starve and bounce it away. Therefore, I am in a constant state of deprivation.

So I think a lot about pie. I love the crust. I love it with ice cream. I love it warm. It is often good for breakfast if it has fruit in it. I draw the line at rhubarb, however. Cake is heaven on a plate. I like it when I put it in the microwave for a few seconds to melt the frosting a little.

French fries are the most probable cause of obesity in the United States today. I think that in Britain the call them “chips,” and a lot of Brits are also very chubby from eating way too many of them. But who can resist their hot, salty crispiness? I even like “oven” fries, sprayed with cooking spray. Really. They are quite edible.

I also celebrate chicken in its many delectable forms. It is of course an American staple—fried, with mashed potatoes and biscuits. Honey. Coleslaw made by somebody’s grandma. Oh, yes—the pie, for dessert. Chicken curry is good, too. I like mine with crushed peanuts and Major Grey’s chutney. And nobody ever complained much about a nice chicken sandwich with tomato, lettuce and mayonnaise.

I have never liked yogurt. That is, until somebody Greek brought some over here. It tasted divine. And now every grocery store carries it. I put sugared nuts on mine. My mother in law used to eat plain yogurt. I think she knew Adele Davis.

Since the advent of high fructose corn syrup, which will kill you, but you will die happy—there are all kinds of treats available. Breakfast cookies. Granola nuggets that you can easily carry in your purse. Fruity drinks that replenish your energy, all right. And then plunge you into a coma forty minutes later. And what about those new “energy beans?” Good grief.

I like sandwiches. Bread will kill you, they say. So how come it’s the staff of life, huh? I like toast almost as much as pie. Hot, crispy, and with cherry preserves. Those Smuckers were saints. Coffee is great with toast, because the caffeine somewhat cancels out the sugar rush you get from the Smuckers. It’s all good.

I do have a point, here. Food would make much better money than greenbacks. It might be a little bit harder to carry around, but in addition to buying things, it would make the sellers much happier. A stuffed gullet or a stuffed wallet? You choose.

But we would have to come up with a better term for food currency. After all, who would be tempted to sell you anything if you offered them, for instance, “Fifty clams” for it? So in the interest of a happier world, I suggest we use French Fries (very portable, and easy to reheat in the microwave) as the new currency. Yes, a fry based economy might just end all our woes and stop the Occupy Wall Street movement right in its tracks. Once again, I offer up a solution that might just have worldwide implications!

pssst…I’ll give you five hundred fries if you buy my new book….http://t.co/r5mpWys

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