TO: THE SANDMAN
FROM: MOLLY D CAMPBELL
RE: ATTENDANCE POLICY
It has come to my attention recently (unfortunately, during the wee hours) that you have begun to slacken in your duties. Your attendance at nightly meetings is required, and there are only four excused absences: Christmas Eve, the night before a family wedding, or bedtimes after horrible spousal arguments in which I am the loser. You have exceeded your allowance, and it is nowhere near holiday season, and both my children are now married.
According to Facebook and Twitter, you are leaving quite a few of us in the lurch these days. People from the far reaches of cyberspace are beginning to complain about your lack of commitment to your job. In today’s economy, when layoffs are the norm, I want to remind you of the folly in taking your position for granted.
Those of us who find ourselves watching late night television are aware of new products devised by the pharmaceutical industry. These products have stemmed from your apparent cavalier attitude toward your job. Now available for those you have spurned are pills featured in commercials with Luna Moths and people with blissful smiles on their unconscious faces. Doctors are feeling fine about prescribing these medications.
I have been your faithful supporter in the past. But your unexcused absences at nightly meetings are causing me to question my loyalty. As a result, I am issuing this memo as the first warning measure. If your attendance does not improve, I am afraid that I will have to consider letting you go.
A word to the wise is sufficient. Thus, I am giving you three glasses of warm milk and what the British like to call “a fortnight” to get yourself together. After that, if your attendance has not come up to standard, I am afraid that your continued employment will be in jeopardy. In this respect, I feel that I speak not only for myself, but for your other employers worldwide. Please take the contents of this memo very seriously.
I look forward to seeing you at tonight’s meeting.