THERE’S NO TURNING BACK

There is a button on my computer that the salesman told me never to push. It is there to “revert back to factory settings.” According to him, if one were to push it, everything on the computer would just whoosh away, never to be seen again. So he emphasized that I should stay as far away from that button as possible. But here’s the thing: the button is right next to the “power” button. So every time I turn on my computer, I break out into a cold sweat, hoping that I didn’t brush against the obliteration button accidentally. Life is too short for this kind of stress.

There are other “whatever you do, don’t do this” situations. For instance, you must never say certain words. Like the “F” word. Dr. Freud says that we really DO want to say these words, and so they just pop out of our mouths with little warning. Like the time I said the “F” word at a baby shower.

I also wish life had a rewind button at places like the movies. Where I forgot myself and yelled “OH MY GOD HE’S ALREADY DEAD” during that movie about the child who saw dead people. It made me very unpopular.

I have crossed the river of no return more times than I would like to count. I took seconds at a luncheon before everyone had been served, and then discovered to my chagrin that the hostess had one entrée allocated per guest. And I have also, at that same occasion, experienced the “dig your own grave” phenomenon, which is (metaphors be damned) right in the deepest part of the river of no return. You know, when your attempts to justify and apologize for your gluttony just make things worse. Nobody cared that I hadn’t had anything to eat since lunchtime the day before. Not one person—especially the one with a spoonful of salad and one single strawberry on her plate, with no corresponding chicken-filled crepe to go with it.

Oh, and I have crossed many lines in the sand. The ones drawn by my husband. You may be guilty of doing this yourself. You know the lines I am talking about. “I will never go to another movie with the words ‘sex’ and ‘city’ in the title.” Or “Whatever you do, don’t tell that story about my vasectomy.” Rewind.

I am thinking about how to solve the factory reset button on my laptop. I may just have it disabled or something. In terms of all that other stuff, I am thinking that amnesia may be the only hope. If only there were a button for that.

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