MY FAVORITE THINGS (with apologies to “The Sound of Music”)

That song is truly insipid. Ok, I’m fine with the kitten whiskers, but the rest of it is just trash. Bright copper kettles? Are you kidding? Maintaining them is drudgery. And those girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes? Those require mothers with Clorox. Real people’s favorite things are much more down to earth.

For instance, who doesn’t like mojitos? All that minty refreshingness? Or, for that matter, tonic water with either gin or vodka with a titch of lime/lemon? Perfection on a hot day. As a matter of fact, teetotalers enjoy just plain tonic and lime, it’s that good. Much better than raindrops on roses.

In terms of weather, most of us don’t need to experience snowflakes melting onto body parts. We just need a cool breeze and maybe a bike. Or, as mentioned above, a mojito. On bad days, just looking out the window to discover that it has stopped raining is pretty good, too.

I am fond of all things chocolate. I wonder why chocolate didn’t make it into that song. Good heavens—just about any foul mood is instantly improved by either a goopy brownie or a hot fudge sundae with real whipped cream. Warm woolen mittens just don’t cut it.

Frankly, I know it wouldn’t be in any actual “feel-good” song, but we all need to be thankful for Q-tips. Without them, the world would be a sordid place, indeed. Why, we might not even be able to hear the songs if it weren’t for good old, ear-cleaning, cotton swabs.

I just love diamonds. What woman doesn’t? And men seem to feel the same way about sports cars. Wild geese flying with the moon on their wings aren’t even a close second. Wild geese flying at night, moon or no moon, are barely visible, for Pete’s sake. And who is awake and standing out there in the moonlight watching for geese, anyway? Come ON.

So I have to tighten up this list. Forget The Sound of Music. A modern-day, realistic list of favorite things would go a little more like this:

• Girls in white dresses, but only when they are actually the bride.
• Ok, mittens, maybe, but they have to be cashmere and have a visible Ralph Lauren logo.
• Yes, all right, the kittens.
• Desserts and cocktails. The one makes you happy, and the other buzzed.
• I hate to add Spanx to the list, but we all know that they help when you are having a cocktail, followed by a brownie sundae. And Spanx rhymes with “thanks.”
• Forget the geese entirely.
• The raindrops on roses are better than Japanese beetles, but the whole flower metaphor is just plain tired. Instead, I vote for silk flower arrangements that look real—they are really cheap at Pier One.
• Anything chocolate beats anything else edible. Any time.
• I frankly don’t understand why laughing either until you wet your pants or cry isn’t in the song. I hear doing this adds years to one’s life!
• And let’s be completely honest. What would be the absolutely best thing in the entire world? To have a mojito, followed by a maybe a good hamburger or something. Next a huge chocolate dessert of some sort, and then, after a few minutes to digest, an orgasm.

Let’s have a song about that. (pardon me, Mr. Rodgers and Mr. Hammerstein)

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