I was minding my own business, trying to increase my circles on Google+, when my husband walked into the room with a shocked expression on his face. It was obvious that something was bothering him. I normally don’t care about the kinds of things that bother my husband, because he plays the accordion, and thus we are living in two different worlds. But the expression on his face was very alarming, and so I was forced to ask him what on earth was on his mind.
“Have you ever heard of a woman called Duce?”
“What?”
“She blogs, like you do. But she makes millions of dollars! How does she do it? And why aren’t YOU?”
“Calm down. You mean ‘Dooce.’ That’s Heather Armstrong, and she has been blogging for years, even though she’s just a kid, really. But she started blogging probably before that Julie girl did.”
“Julie who?”
“The one that made all of Julia Child’s recipes in one year, and blogged about it. We went to the movie. She is probably worth millions, too.”
He looked aghast. He swallowed a few times, cleared his throat, and went on.
“I thought you were a really good blogger.”
“Well, I like to think of myself as a writer. One who blogs. But yes, I do a pretty good job of it. I think I have a couple hundred readers.”
I obviously wasn’t getting it.
“But how come, if you are good at it, that no one is giving you money? This Duce woman makes over a half million dollars A MONTH. Her husband quit his job! I think they have servants.”
He wanted an explanation. He seemed to need one before his veins got any bulgier.
“There is an entire group of bloggers who have huge audiences. They blog about products! Advertisers court them. They have agents. They have exclusive contracts with vendors. One woman blogger I know represents BMW or Volvo or somebody. These bloggers work sixty hour weeks and have personal assistants. I blog in my pantry, and get no help from anybody.”
“So stop doing that! Can’t you put ads on your blog?”
“Let me ask you a question. If a person is shopping for a new car, why on earth would they go to Life with the Campbells for advice? Or let’s say some woman out there wants to try out some new self tanning product. She is going to ask ME which one to use? The last self tanner I used was in 1968, and I turned orange, if I recall.”
“So how do you become Duce?”
“It’s DOOCE, for Pete’s sake, and I have no idea!”
“Can you take a seminar?”
He apparently doesn’t understand. I am not young. My get up and go actually got up and went as soon as my second daughter left home. I have no opinions worth reading about cosmetics; I know nothing about cars; the world of organic, home made baby food has passed me by, and I am not interested in researching incontinence products for adults. I feel, therefore, highly unqualified to seek out sponsors who I would have to convince to place an ad on my blog.
“Ok. Let me explain. The women you want me to emulate blog for a living. They take meetings with executives from big companies. They test products. They go all over the country to conferences. They make ‘pitches’ to people to convince them to advertise with them. Did I say that these women have their own secretaries?”
He looked crestfallen. He slumped into a chair. Then he brightened.
“What about this idea? You could do all the projects in The Boy Scout Handbook in one year. You know? Learn to tie all the knots? Make biscuits in tin foil in a camp fire? Learn to use punk? Find your bearings by looking at the stars? Nobody has done THAT, have they? They might even make a movie about us—you.”
“They haven’t. But here’s a better idea. The world is full (well full might be overstating it a bit) of accordion players. What about an accordion blog? I bet there are a bunch of Italian accordion makers just wishing and hoping for a way to get into the American market. You can be the Duce of the Polka World!”
He wandered off to bed, with bellows and dollar signs dancing in his head. Phew. I came this close to baking biscuits in a Dutch oven. My apologies to Heather Armstrong and Julie Powell.
Molly is a two time Erma Bombeck Writing Award winner, in both the humor and human interest categories. She won honorable mentions in 2010 and 2012.
Love it! Super blog, Molly. As always.
Funny, funny! Love it. Home run!
You’re way ahead of me, and I’ve been doing this for years. Somehow today I can’t even sign into my own blog.
Biscuits and dutch oven threw me way off course. But I do want to see the Molly Scout reality show.
Love it!! The best was the boy scout book, I would love to see you do that
Hey and at least for now on you will have no trouble going to all blogging conferences because it is investing in your blog and he will now understand it
Molly … you are a genius. My assistant is on the phone (as I type) setting up meetings with the adult diaper folks. So don’t even TRY to go there, honey. ‘Cause I am going to have that market all wrapped up (so to speak!) Ha ha ha!
Love this! Even though we haven’t met in person I am sitting here imagining this conversation you two had and I am laughing. I love the way you put things and can see the inner eye rolls at the lack of comprehension.
My RSS feed is in need of an accordian blog…
Molly- girl, this could be a conversation I could be having with LT– in fact I just read part of it to him… I think he’s confused– waiting for the part when I tell him how I’m going to make back the money I spent redesigning str
oh, what fun we have… great job on this one!!
Oh my goodness Molly! This totally had my attention and I felt like I was sitting there watching the conversation… picturing it all! You are and can be just amazing as them. It doesn’t matter the age my friend. Age has no place in blogging! Well, that’s my opinion anyhow! BTW, I love the boy scout handbook idea!
xoxo
Ha ha ha!!! That was priceless! You need to send that to Dooce…and Julie Powell. My favorite line: “…I am not interested in researching incontinence products for adults.” WE HEART YOU, Molly!!!
LOL! Love this. I agree with Katja, now you will have no problem going to blogging conferences.
I just saw an episode of Keeping up with the Karadashians where Kris (the momager) landed a gig with a company targeting incontinent women. There’s a market for spokespeople for everything apparently!
Come with me to the Type-A Conference next year….
We’ll have you earning money from your blog soon enough!
I love your writing SO much! You crack me up!
And… you are a LONG way from adult diapers… so don’t even get me started.
My husband says the same thing!
Hi, I was just here hoping to get some advice on which feminine protection products to buy (with wings? without?), but I see you don’t do product reviews.
You know what, though? You’re super funny…and that’s harder to find than a beer that tastes great AND is less filling.
I’m just sayin’.
Tell your husband he needs to get together with mine. Mine always says that I work harder on my blog than any 40 hr/wk job that I have EVER HAD…all that for NO MONEY! lol
Loved this!
This is EXACTLY the kind of conversation I had with my husband after he saw Julie and Julia (minus the accordions).
He still doesn’t understand why we aren’t millionaires yet.
Well, thank you all. As a matter of fact, my rug dealer and druggist are now bidding to put ads on the blog, so I may just be in the money, after all! LOL!
Two things that totally shocked me: (1) the fact that you are not making any money
and (2) that Accordion Man knows who “Duce” is!…Perhaps Accordion Man should
write a blog!
There are maybe less than 50 bloggers who make real money. Dooce is the richest, followed by the Pioneer Woman, at $800,000 a year.
But look at their websites! Heather’s husband Jon runs her site and does all the tech work and PW, I don’t know who does hers, but someone does.
I’ll be on the couch if anybody wants me.
I loved it! You ARE a very good writer, who happens to blog
If your husband really wants to rake in the big bucks, he should set up his own accordion youtube channel. Then he can put up videos of himself playing the accordion while your cats jump into boxes, or your cats playing the accordion while he jumps into a box, or your cats sleeping while he throws an accordion into a box. Or something. He should probably work out the details himself.
My husband thinks we’re famous cuz townies mention my blogs in the grocery store. He thinks I’m on an A-list somewhere. Don’t have the heart to tell him what that A stands for!!
Oh, my gosh! What wonderful commentary. Have any of you thought of writing as a career? lol! I appreciate your observations, and I bet we could all be millionaires!
I would pay big money to have someone explain knots to me.
ROFL gurl youuuu so funny! Have to say I would love it if I got 26 comments on my posts, so you must be doing something right. Love how you have updated your theme
( step one) So really you do not think you can or you do not want to? Now pass the dang biscuits I am hungry.
Love your latest blog, Molly.
Apparently you write for the love of writing. Which is a good thing for your loyal readers. Not that there would be anything wrong, of course, with making a few $$$$$ out of it.
As for testing incontinence products, it all depends. There are the occasional days when I’d be willing to do that in exchange for a few free samples…
If you could get the boy scouts to test the incontinence products on the cats for you while the accordion man bellows in the background, I’m pretty sure someone would pay good money to see it. Or at least give you a box of thin mints.
Thank you for a great laugh on a Sunday morning. Molly, you are the best.
So funny. I like your husband would have called her “Duce,” I have heard of Dooce, but only in passing on twitter. But honestly I have no clue who she is. And only became aware of Julie because of the movie which I saw when it finally came to cable, okay On Demand. I DO know who you are and the joy and information you bring to my life. Thank you for that.
Oh Molly…. this made me miss you even more. My husband and I have had very similar conversations. Minus the accordian. Well, because he can’t play. xoxo
Genius. I had to just laugh the whole post, b/c I think my husband thinks I should also be making that much money if I’m spending so much time writing. Oh well….
Felsted occasionally gets a gleam in his eye and starts talking about James Patterson and JK Rowling. He understands numbers, so he SHOULD be able to see that they represent 0.0000000000000000000001% of writers. But I keep my mouth shut. After all, if he realizes I’m never going to make any money from this writing lark, he might just start talking about jobs at Wal-Mart.
Felsted knows the truth!!!!
This is getting out of hand! However, the accordion man IS creating his own web site, so I am just waiting for the money to start flowing in! You can see his site at http:www.greatdayton.com Good Grief!
Hilarious!!
Hilarious. “I think they have servants.” I so needed a laugh.
“So how do you become Duce?” is the best line ever to appear on a blog. I will buy whatever self-tanner you tell me to buy, swear.
I just want to know why I never thought about blogging in my pantry before.
I might be able to have some privacy there.
And instant access to cookies without even getting up.
Which, really, is by far the most important thing.
This is hilarious. Love it! Love the line about blogging in your pantry.