I WILL NEVER ADMIT THIS

As I shuffled around the bedroom in my slippers, I looked over to see if I had remembered to shut the blinds. I was glad that I had, as I was wearing my slippers and nothing else, while I made the bed. The thought struck me that I should never tell anyone that I make the bed while naked. I then began making a mental list of all of the things that I would never want to admit to. I will deny making this list, you understand. 

I have tried all the dog treats I have ever bought for my dog. With packaging that says things like “organic peanut butter carob” and “good for joints and articulation,” I just wonder if they taste good enough for me to have on a regular basis with tea. So far, none have been much better than sawdust, but I am always on the lookout for dietary supplements to give me either more articulation or a good chocolate high. None of my friends know I do this. 

It seems to me that daily showers are unnecessary. Especially if I haven’t been to the gym or taken a vigorous walk, I often use those Charmin wipey things all over my body, spray some good strong deodorant in strategic areas, and venture forth into the world. I do make sure to spritz on a bit of extra cologne on those days. Really, I am very aware of my carbon footprint, and I consider less showering to be in the “save the planet” category. Not. 

As soon as the usher gives the little speech about “don’t use your cell phone and don’t put your feet up on the seat in front of you,” I put my feet up and text my daughter to tell her what movie I am going to see. I also text her during the previews to ask her if she has seen any of the movies coming up. Don’t you just hate people who do this? 

At my grocery, they give away delicious samples on Fridays. They post a little sign by the trays of delights that says, “Please, one per customer only.” I have one, do a few laps around the produce section, and go back for more. I figure that the lady handing them out won’t remember me. I try to look very inconspicuous at the grocery. This involves sunglasses and a baseball hat. 

Perhaps my most shameful habit involves things that I do while driving. We all see people committing the unspeakable at the intersection, and I am no different. We are all anonymous in our cars. I always conveniently forget that I drive a chartreuse minivan with vanity plates. So in the privacy of my car, I use dental floss freely (only while waiting for the light to change; otherwise both hands are on the wheel), inspect my eyebrows for strays, hurl the “F” word at those who should really have their licenses revoked, and dance right along with the “Sixties on Six.” I still remember the “Hand Jive” perfectly. 

I feel virtuous. I have never used a toothpick in public. I sneeze into my elbow. I have never flirted with the UPS man. I put my napkin in my lap. So when I make the bed, as long as the blinds are down, no one needs to be the wiser.  Right?

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