ROCK ON

I am a fitness buff. I have to stay fit, in order to keep up with my two athletic daughters. Daughter one, for instance, insists on running a 5K race on the morning of her wedding. But fit as I might be, I don’t really look particularly toned. So I bought a pair of shoes that claim to give the wearer firm thigh muscles and a tight derriere.

The man who invented these shoes evidently pals around with Masai warriors. While hanging around with his Masai mates, he noticed that they run in the sand in bare feet. Apparently, the thighs and buttocks of his Masai friends are awesome. So this guy invented rocking soled shoes. I am guessing that these shoes somehow simulate the Masai gait. I wanted to rock like a Masai with taut buttocks, and so I got a pair. 

First of all, the shoes are clunky. They are not in any way stylish, and they weigh about a pound each. The only ones that fit me are gray and orange. I don’t have any gray and orange outfits. And the shoes do create a real imbalance—I feel that I am stumping around in them. While standing still, I seem to sway a little. Yes, they work the muscles, and by the end of the day, I am tired. 

Lots of people have these shoes now. I see them on office workers and at the mall. I have noticed my neighbors stumping by on theirs. The waitress at the restaurant we went to last night nearly spilled our drinks as she swayed while serving. The UPS man has a pair. This seems ridiculous to me, because I have never seen a UPS man with bad legs. 

I am finding it hard to stick with my resolve. After taking off the shoes, I continue to sway for the next day or so. I have gotten no comments about my rear. Nor have I made any Masai friends. I have been unable to find any chic orange and gray outfits. I don’t really enjoy the swaying.  I am considering listing the shoes on EBay. 

While watching television yesterday, I saw an ad for a little seat on rollers. To use it, all you have to do is sit there and roll back and forth. Use the thing for just six minutes a day, and in only two weeks, you will see visible results. The girl on the commercial had rock hard abs, a tight rear, and thighs like a dream. Yes, she was about twenty, but I figure that at my age, one out of three would be just fine. 

Rocking around on your shoes is so yesterday. For only three payments of $18.99, I will soon have either abs, thighs, or buttocks to DIE for.

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